why we love who we love
the real reasons why we choose that special someone.
your parents' influence
have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why?
i know of one couple: he is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches little league, is active in his rotary club and plays golf every saturday with friends. meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete homebody. she doesn't even like to go out to dinner.
what mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?
of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to john money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at johns hopkins university, is what he calls our "love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. it shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, body build. it also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.
in short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. and this love map is largely determined in childhood. by age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.
when i lecture, i often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. answers range from "she's strong and independent" and "i go for redheads" to "i love his sense of humor" and "that crooked smile, that's what did it."
i believe what they say. but i also know that if i were to ask those same men and women to describe their mothers, there would be many similarities between their ideal mates and their moms. yes, our mothers -- the first real love of our lives -- write a significant portion of our love map.
when we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. so our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. if our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. if our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.
the mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. so if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that's the way women are. they will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house.
conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who becomes a "dance-away lover." because he's been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason.
while the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it's the father -- the first male in our lives -- who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. fathers have an enormous effect on their children's personalities and chances of marital happiness.
just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men. if a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation to men. but if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive.
in addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. we hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. we tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own.
complementary needs
what about opposites? are they really attracted to each other? yes and no. in many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.
robert winch, a longtime sociology professor at northwestern university, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. but he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. a talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner.
it's rather like the old, but perceptive, saying on the subject of marriage that advises future partners to make sure that the holes in one's head fit the bumps in the other's. or, as winch observed, it's the balancing out of sociological likenesses and psychological differences that seems to point the way for the most solid lifelong romance.
however, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. i know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional irish family in chicago, who fell in love with an african american baptist. when they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. but 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.
it turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law -- a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. this is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant to him.
or as george burns, who was jewish and married the irish catholic gracie allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was gracie who got all the laughs. the two of them did share certain social similarities -- both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. they complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.
there are certainly such "odd couples" who could scarcely be happier. we all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. this is a trade-off some call the equity theory.
when men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone else's strong points. the raging beauty may trade her luster for the power and security that come with big bucks. the not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.
indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. during the evening robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted out, "what would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?"
"unless your daughter loves cooking," i responded, "i'd say she was darn lucky."
"exactly," his wife agreed. "it's really your problem, robert -- that old macho thing rearing its head again. the point is, they're in love."
i tried to reassure robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person -- a trait he shared with her own mother.
is there such a thing as love at first sight? why not? when people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. it could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. at the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.
i happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. on that fateful weekend, while i was a sophomore at cornell university, i had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the catskill mountains. finally i decided anything would be better than sitting alone in my dormitory room.
that night as i was preparing to go to dinner, my sister rushed up the stairs and said, "when you walk into that dining room, you're going to meet the man you'll marry."
i think i said something like "buzz off!" but my sister couldn't have been more right. i knew it from the moment i saw him, and the memory still gives me goose flesh. he was a premed student, also at cornell, who incidentally also had a bad cold. i fell in love with milton the instant i met him.
milt and i were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. and all that time we experienced a love that erich fromm called a "feeling of fusion, of oneness," even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.
原文链接：
我们为何爱上ta
——我们选择ta的真正原因
父母的影响
你认识这样的夫妻吗？他们在一起看似并不般配——然而，他们俩人在婚姻生活中都感觉幸福，而你也无法找出原因何在。
我认识这样一对夫妻：丈夫是一名身材魁梧的退役运动员，此外他还是成功的推销员，是执教于小联盟的教员，是个活跃在扶轮社之中并且每周六要与朋友们一起打高尔夫的人。然而，妻子却是一位身材娇小，性格娴静，完全宅在家里的人。她甚至不喜欢到外面去吃饭。
是什么神秘力量驱使我们投入一个人的怀抱却把我们从一个在任何毫无偏见的旁观者看来恰恰是相配的人身边推开呢？
种种因素在影响着我们对完美伴侣的想象，对此最好的一种诠释是来自于约翰霍普金斯大学医学心理学与儿科学的名誉教授约翰·马尼，这种种因素被他称为我们的“爱情地图”——被我们大脑编码后用于描述我们好恶的一组信息。它不仅指引我们在头发、眼睛颜色、声音、气味、体格等方面的偏好，它还记录引起我们注意的性格属性，无论是热情友好或是坚强寡言，它都会记下。
总之，我们会爱上并且追求那些符合我们爱情地图的人。而这张爱情地图主要形成于幼儿时期。在八岁时，我们意中人的样子便已经开始在我们的脑海中四处漂荡了。
当我讲演时，我经常问成双成对的观众他们的约会对象或伴侣哪里吸引他们。答案从“她坚强独立”、“我钟意红头发的人”衍生到“我爱他的幽默感”、“那坏坏的笑，正是魅力所在”。
我相信他们的话。不过我也清楚假如请他们描述一下他们的母亲，则一定会有许多相似的描述为他们的意中人与他们的母亲所共有。没错，我们的母亲——我们生命中的第一个真爱——描绘了我们爱情地图上重要的一部分。
在我们小的时候，我们的母亲是我们注意力的焦点，而我们则是她们的焦点。所以母亲的特征给我们留下了永久的印象，而我们永远都会被具有她那样的面部特征、她那样的体形、她那样的性格，甚至于具有她那样幽默感的人吸引。假如我们的母亲热情而慷慨，那么当我们成人之后便倾向于被热情而慷慨的人吸引。倘若我们的母亲坚强而脾气温和，我们则会被伙伴中平和而坚强的人吸引。
母亲对她的儿子们具有额外的影响力：她不但为他们提供了发现伴侣魅力的线索，而且还影响了他们对普通女性的感觉。所以假如她是热情亲切的人，那么她的儿子们则会认为那便是女性的样子。他们很可能成长为既热情又容易产生共鸣的爱人，而且还会配合做家事。
相反，一位个性压抑，常在友好亲切时却忽又变得冷淡、拒人于千里的母亲则可能养育出一位成为“舞去式爱人”的儿子。因为他十分害怕来自于母亲的爱，他害怕付出承诺，并可能因此而离开他的女友。
当母亲部分地决定了伴侣身上什么样的特质吸引我们时，父亲——我们生命中的第一位男性——则成了影响我们与异性如何相处的人。父亲在孩子的个性与婚姻幸福的可能性方面具有巨大的影响。
正如母亲会影响儿子对女性的一般情感那样，父亲则会影响女儿对男性的一般情感。假如一位父亲大方的称赞他的女儿并表示她是个值得被爱的人，那么她会在与男性的交往中对自己感到满意。可是假如父亲是冷酷、刻薄或缺少父爱的人，女儿则会有认为自己很不可爱也不具魅力的倾向。
此外，我们大多数人都是与处于相似社会环境中的人一同成长的。我们与同一个镇上的人一起闲逛；我们的朋友们有着相同的教育背景与职业目标。我们倾向于与这些人十分愉快地相处，因而我们也倾向于与我们自己家庭背景十分相近的人联姻。
互补的需要
性格相反的人在一起会如何呢？他们真的彼此吸引吗？答案既可以说是，也可以说不是。从许多方面来看我们需要我们自己的镜像。例如，身材具有吸引力的人通常会接近具有同样吸引力的伙伴。
西北大学的常任社会学教授罗伯特·文奇在他的研究中表明我们对结婚对象的选择包含若干的社会相似性。然而，他也强调我们会因互补的需要而去寻找某人。健谈的人被喜欢聆听的人吸引，或是性格好斗的人可能会挑选性格更被动的人为伴。
与此十分相似的是关于婚姻问题的那种古老却生动的说法，它建议未来的伴侣们得确定笋壳套得上牛角，彼此适合才好。或者，按照文奇的话来说，存在于社会相似性与心理差异性之间的平衡点似乎为实现最可靠的终生浪漫找到了办法。
然而，也有来自于不同社会背景的人最终步入婚姻殿堂并且生活得非常幸福的情况。我知道有一位工人，出自于芝加哥一个传统的爱尔兰家庭，却与一位非裔美籍浸礼教徒坠入了爱河。当他们结婚时，亲朋好友们都预测这段婚姻会很快失败。但是二十五年过去了，他们的婚姻依然坚固。
原来，那位女性像她的婆婆一样——是仁爱体贴的人，是卷起袖子自愿在教堂工作，帮助需要帮助之人的典型。这样的品质不仅令她的丈夫为之倾倒，也使得肤色、宗教、以及其它社会因素都成了对她丈夫来说无关紧要的事。
又如乔治·博恩斯，他是犹太人却与爱尔兰天主教徒格瑞茜·爱伦结为连理，他曾说过，他的婚姻便是他最忠爱的表演，尽管得到的全部笑声只来自于格瑞茜。他们俩人共有某些社会相似处——都是于城市里、多子女且经济条件不好的家庭里成长的。然而，真正将他们拉到一起的是他们初次合作共同登台的事。他们彼此配合得天衣无缝：他捧哏，她讲出笑话的梗。
当然还有这样几乎不可能更幸福的 “不般配夫妻”。我们都知道有些拥有闭月羞花之貌的丽人嫁给了极不寻常却相貌平平的壁花先生。这是一种交换，有些人称之为等价理论。
当男性与女性拥有一种独特的天资时，例如高智商，出众的美貌，令他人魂醉神迷的个性，还有同样具有杀伤力的巨额金钱，有些人便决定以他们的天资与他人的优势做交换。极端型丽人可能以她光艳的美貌换取权势，而安全感则来自于大把的金钱。出身名门的庸才可能以他的家族血统换取贫苦却才能出众的另一半。
实际上，几乎任何类型的结合都能存活并成长。有一次，我的一些邻居前来参加一个互助的社交活动。五十多岁的罗伯特突然脱口说道：“假如你们的女儿要跟一个扎着马尾，硬要做饭的人结婚，你们会说什么？”
“除非你女儿热爱烹饪，”我回应说，“不然的话，我得说她太走运了。”
“一点儿不错，”他妻子赞同地说，“这真的是你的问题，罗伯特——你这个强悍的老家伙又抬起头了。关键是他们相爱。”
我尽力使罗伯特安心，便向他说明他们的女儿挑选的那位年轻人看上去像那种随意，毫无判断力的人——其实，他与她的母亲有着相似的特点。
而像一见钟情这样的事情存在吗？为什么不存在呢？当人们成了情痴时，在两个人可能发现了唯一他们才有的共同之处的那一瞬间会发生什么。那共同之处可能稀松平常得就像他们俩人在读同一本书或是出生在同一个镇上。他们同时欣赏对方身上具有的一些与自己性格互补的特点。
我碰巧成了被魔杖击中的那些人之中的一个。在那个决定命运的周末，还是科内尔大学二年级学生的我患上了重感冒，犹豫着要不要与我的家人到卡茨基尔山度假。最后我断定没有比独坐于我的寝室里更好的事了。
那天晚上，就在我正准备去吃晚餐时，我姐姐冲上楼对我说：“当你走进饭厅时，你会遇见你要结婚的人。”
我想我说了类似于“快走开！”这样的话。而我的姐姐再没有什么事比这件事说得更准的了。从我看到他的那刻起，我知道姐姐说的是真的，而回忆中的情景依然让我窜起鸡皮疙瘩。他是医科大学的预科生，也在科内尔，凑巧也患了重感冒。在我遇见米尔顿的瞬间我便爱上了他。
直到1989年米尔顿去世，他与我结婚有三十九年。而在那全部的时间里，甚至在我们两人持续地改变、成长并充实我们的生命时都感受到了被艾里奇·福朗姆称为“融合统一的感觉”——爱。
顾名思义，镜像就是像照镜子一样。心理学家库利指出当个体根据别人对他可能产生的印象形成自我感觉时，镜中我就出现了。镜中我作为一种社会我，包含有三个主要成份，即对自己在他人眼里的形象的想象，对他人对这种形象评价的想象，以及诸如骄傲或屈辱之类的自我感觉。