with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, and so many people married more than once, it sometimes feels like humans are terrible at figuring out long-term love.
the typical pattern starts with falling head-over-heels for someone, with all its heat-thumping, starry-eyed craziness, and it takes a while before that fog dissipates and the real object of desire comes into focus. often, the truth doesn’t hit until after marriage when the real person, warts and all, wakes up next to you in bed wearing a wedding ring.
reality check, with its evil twin disillusionment, are sure ways to kill off a marriage.
in a study to be published in july in the journal psychological science, northwestern university psychologist daniel molden and colleagues were interested in the possible differences between the way dating and married couples see each other. they asked 92 dating couples and 77 married couples to complete questionnaires about satisfaction with their relationship, and not surprising, marriage changes things.
everyone, married or dating, thinks the best partner is one who acts as a cheering section and brings out our best. but that sort of relationship only translates into a truly happy marriage when the partner seems to accept real commitment and helps in the day-to-day obligations of life as a couple.
the surprise here is not the switch from a focus on "me" to a focus on "us," as anyone who has gone from the first blush of love to picking up someone else's underwear off the floor knows to be true. what really stands out is the idea that satisfaction within any relationship is based on perception rather than actual fact, and therein lies the rub of not only love, but also of living with someone on intimate terms.
in molden's study, the authors focus on their subjects' "perception" of the other person, not the reality of the situation. if we perceive a date to be supportive of our goals, we're happy. if we perceive a spouse as committed to the family, we're even more happy. although the researchers point to the shift in the focus of perception from ourselves to the couple as an indicator of a good or bad marriage, the real problem for love is the very issues of projecting anything on another person, no matter the focus.
humans seem to think they are really good at knowing others, but the truth is our own agendas get in the way of really knowing someone. as self-interested, self-absorbed creatures, our own thoughts, feelings, needs and goals come first, and that sometimes means fooling ourselves into thinking we are the center of other people's thoughts, feelings, needs and goals when, in fact, they are mired in their own business.
but should we be disillusioned by our own illusions? maybe not. happy marriages might just be those in which both partners uphold a very nice projection of each other, even when things aren't so great. and this makes sense. happiness is a state of mind, and if denial paints a partner better than they really are, the relationship is bound to be satisfying, as long as no one is slapped in the face with reality.
on the other hand, surely there are couples who see exactly who is in front of them, and reality actually matches perception. those lucky couples are not in a state of continual denial, but a state of continual bliss.
离婚率高悬于50%左右，许多人再婚，这一现实时常让人们感到天长地久的爱情可望而不可及。
在你为某人神魂颠倒、激情四射、意乱神迷之时，典型的爱情程式就开始了。待到迷雾散开，热情冷却下来，那已经是很久以后的事。通常那是在婚后的某天早上，一个有着种种缺点的真实的人在你的身旁醒来，手上带着结婚戒指，这时你才猛然被现实击中。
正是现实和虚幻这对孪生兄弟扼杀了婚姻。
在即将发表于心理科学杂志6月号的一项研究中，西北大学的心理学家丹尼尔·莫顿和他的同事们对未婚和已婚的情侣们对彼此认识的差异产生了兴趣。他们一共对92位未婚情侣和77位夫妇进行了问卷调查，询问他们和伴侣的关系，结果不出所料，婚姻使事情发生了改变。
我们所有人，不论是否已经踏入结婚殿堂，都认为最优秀的伴侣是能带给我们快乐、鼓舞我们成为最好的自己的人。然而，只有当情侣们真正接受婚姻的承诺，并在日常生活中承担起帮助彼此的责任时，他们的关系才会转变成快乐的夫妻关系。
令人惊讶的不是“我”变成了“我们”。当某些人由初恋时的羞涩变成捡起别人丢在地上的内衣时的坦然时，他们会讶异于这一点。重要的是，任何一种情侣关系都是建立在想象而非现实的基础上的，这其中擦出的火花不仅仅是爱，还有和另外一个人一起生活的亲密感。
莫顿的研究关注于他的论点“对对方的想象”，而并不关注所谓的“现实”。当我们想象一个约会的对象符合我们的要求时，我们会很高兴。当我们想象我们的伴侣承担起家庭的责任时，我们就越发高兴。虽然研究者们指出，当我们判断婚姻的好坏时，我们更应关注双方的感受而非我们自己，但爱情真正的问题却在于对另一方的期望和幻想，而不在于关注谁的感受。
人们往往认为自己很擅长了解他人，然而事实却是自己的日程表排在了了解他人之前。作为一种自私的生物，我们自己的思想、情感、需要和目标总是第一位的，这有时愚弄了我们自己，认为自己是他人思想、情感、需要和目标的中心，而事实上他们正忙于他们的事情不可自拔呢。
但我们的幻想是否应当被打破呢？也许不。快乐的婚姻也许正存在于那些双方都对对方有着美好的幻想和期望的夫妻中。这有些道理。快乐是一种心境，如果拒绝事实可以让对方在我们的眼中变得更完美，那么既然没人会滑向现实的泥潭，夫妻之间的关系将必然是令人满意的。
当然，不排除有些情侣们清楚的看到在眼前的是谁，而事实正好和想象契合。这些幸运的情侣们并不总在想象中生活，而总在幸福中生活。