"life without love is one dead end street." carole king
"the book of life is brief, and once a page is read, all but love is dead." don mclean
modern times are difficult for lovers (see my post here)-perhaps more so than in most previous eras. these difficulties stem from the nature of our emotional system and the prevailing norms in modern society. since emotions are generated when we perceive a significant change in our situation, emotional intensity decreases as familiarity increases.
this difficulty is amplified in light of two major developments in modern society: (a) the lifting of most of the constraints that once prevented long-term committed relationships from dissolving, and (b) the apparent presence of so many attractive alternatives that offer the promise of replacing any given committed romantic relationship. nowadays, getting out of a committed relationship and getting into a new one is much easier. staying within a committed relationship has become a choice that requires us to constantly reexamine its value in light of, among other issues, the presence of romantic love.
new circumstances such as these make the lives of modern lovers more complex. they face not only constant doubts about which road to take, but also constant regret about the many roads not taken. the abundance of alternatives and the perpetual possibility of getting something "better" undermine commitment. the gap between the present and the potentially possible can never be bridged, even if it seems easy to do so. in this manner, the realm of infinite possibilities becomes a tyrannical force, keeping one from enjoying the present. when many alternatives are available, settling for one's lot is extremely difficult.
modern society has witnessed an increasing discrepancy between the desire for enduring romantic relationship and the probability of its fulfillment. breakup, rather than marriage, is the norm in dating relationships. in addition to the fact that in many societies about 50% of all marriages end in divorce, the majority of the remaining 50% have at some point seriously considered divorce.
these circumstances, in particular the availability of love outside marriage, have forced people to give love a more significant place in their concepts of marriage. the "sweetness" of a marriage, and in particular love itself, becomes the focus of intense scrutiny. since both partners have now perpetual choice, they must invest more and more resources in maintaining the romantic relationship and in calculating the probability of its demise by the partner's withdrawal. the greater burden of maintaining the relationship may in some cases decrease its attractiveness and make it more ambiguous, and often more distressing to the partners, as they are constantly vulnerable to anxieties, distrust, and insecurity.
borrowing charles dickens' saying about the french revolution to the romantic realm, we may say that these are indeed, "the best of times, the worst of times." these are indeed hard times for lovers: many romantic relationships do not last for long and many others are crumbling; lovers are constantly perplexed about their current relationship and possible tempting alternatives.
however, despite the difficulties of maintaining long-term romantic relationships in modern times, this is also a flourishing time for love, even a time of its renaissance. love is on the mind of a greater number of people and its presence is a major criterion for more relationships. love cannot be dismissed anymore as silly fantasy; it is perceived as realistic and feasible for many more people. love has made an impressive comeback. and rightly so.
the above view concerning the comeback of love in modern society can be encapsulated in the following declaration that a lover might express: "darling, although the chances of you remaining my lover are lower than in previous eras, the chances of us staying together while still being in love are greater. and i would not exchange this era with any of the previous ones. security is good, but a loving relationship is even better."
“没有爱情的人生就如一条死胡同！”carole king
“人生的篇章苦短，每翻过一页，凡事都将消亡，唯有爱永生。”don mclean
当今对夫妻们而言实在是痛苦的煎熬，其严峻程度或许在人类历史上也堪称名列前茅。这种煎熬的根源就在于人类喜新厌旧的天性以及当代社会婚姻家庭之中出现的新风气。况且，只有在周围的环境有了显著改变时人的情感才会萌生。因此，彼此之间越熟悉，感情的热度就会越低。
此外，随着维系夫妻关系长久的诸多有利因素纷纷消失，再加上种种诱惑夫妻双方感情出轨机会的存在，都使得维持长久关系面临着严峻考验。时下，抛弃老相好，投进新怀抱更是易如反掌。将夫妻之间的关系长久维持下去对许多人来说成了一种抉择，要求我们在移情别恋时（当然还有其他诸多因素）重新审视夫妻关系持久的价值所在。
如今社会上出现的这些新现象也使得夫妻在感情生活当中遇到的事情更为复杂，棘手。他们不单会迷茫该选择哪一条婚姻道路，还会经常遗憾错过了更多其他可选的婚姻之路。选择的余地越大，总想找到“更好的”伴侣无形之中都会伤及两性关系的持久性。眼前的和潜在的婚姻关系之间所存在的鸿沟永远都无法弥合，虽然看上去容易。因而，可选的交际对象越多从而演化成一股强大的破坏力，使得双方不懂得珍惜现有的关系。在谈婚论嫁时，可挑的对象越多，就越容易眼花，越难以心定。
如今，维持夫妻关系的愿望与其可能性之间的差距越来越大。劳燕分飞，而非步入婚姻的殿堂，在恋爱关系中日益流行。尽管在多数国家，约有一半的婚姻以离婚告终，余下的多数也都曾有过离婚的念头。
这些现象，特别是婚外恋的普及，迫使人们在自身的婚姻理念当中赋予爱情更为重要的地位。婚姻的“甜蜜”，尤其是爱情本身，成了人们审视的焦点。在两性关系中，一旦认定要和对方“执子之手，与之偕老”，双方就必须更加用心地去呵护这段感情，并做好若对方选择放弃所带来的最坏打算。个别情况下，若维护感情的担子越沉重，这段感情的吸引力就会下降，其前景也就尤为黯淡，使双方更加心力交悴，因为他们会经常不断地感到焦虑、不信任，缺乏安全感。
借用狄更斯在提及法国大革命时的名言，当今的年代对夫妻关系而言可谓是“最好的时代，最坏的时代”，世道艰难：多数两性关系维持不了多久就宣告破裂，其他的也大多是在苦苦地、艰难地维系着。
不过，尽管维持长久的两性关系确实存在着诸多困难，时下也是人们心中爱情之河涌流，甚至奔腾的黄金时期。爱情的种子开始在众人心底萌芽，爱情也成了夫妻、情侣关系的试金石。比起空中楼阁式的幻想，爱情来得更为牢固、可靠，更加现实、真切。爱情的激流已经势不可挡地在人们心田重新流淌开来。的确本该如此。
下面这段爱的表白可以将上述论断贴切地归于一炉：“亲爱的，虽说和以前的时代相比，眼下我们比较难以白头偕老，但我们更有可能恩恩爱爱地在一起。我只希望生活在当下。有安全感固然不错，可是有爱情滋润的夫妻关系更加甜美。”