alise garber married the first boy she ever kissed. she met him at an outward bound--style summer-camp program when she was 15, she "sort of dated" him for the summer, and then, like most teenage romances, it ended. twenty-two years later, they met again on facebook.
"i don't know why i looked him up," says the 37-year-old former advertising-agency executive in chicago. garber was showing a co-worker how facebook works, and to demonstrate the search function--a feature that allows users to search for the names of people they know--she entered harlan robins, the name of the first boy she kissed. at the prodding of her co-worker, garber sent robins a message. and then she waited. would he respond? would he accept her friend request? was it weird to contact an old summer-camp boyfriend?
as facebook users have begun to skew older--the website is now as popular with 30-, 40- and 50-somethings as with the college students who pioneered it--they have found ways to reconnect with one another. and who better to get in touch with than an old flame? "facebook makes it easier for you to take that first step of finding someone again," explains rainer romero-canyas, a psychology research scientist at columbia university. "it has finally provided a way for people to reach out to someone without fear of rejection." the boston phoenix even coined a term, retrosexuals, for people who are taking the plunge into recycled love.
"it was like opening a time capsule," says drew peterson, a 34-year-old former it worker from long island, new york. peterson's retrosexual experience occurred a few years ago when he found his high school girlfriend on myspace--"you know, before it became the cyberghetto of the internet." the two dated during junior and senior year of high school; the last time the two saw each other was on the day they graduated. sixteen years later, they exchanged myspace messages, and then peterson flew from new york to san francisco to see what had become of the woman who had once captured his teenage heart. "i knew it wasn't going to turn out like some jennifer aniston romantic comedy," peterson says. "i just wanted to see her again." the pair still got along, although this time just as friends.
most retrosexual experiences seem to spring from an intense, almost uncontrollable mixture of nostalgia and interest. "you get a thrill out of finding an old girlfriend just to see if she still likes you," says w. keith campbell, a university of georgia psychology professor and co-author of the narcissism epidemic. "you're curious to see what she looks like, and it's easy to fantasize about alternative courses your life might have taken." it's the same feeling that compels people to attend high school reunions. in a way, these meet-ups are the same thing, especially for people like los angeles film developer jillian stein, 30, who traveled to her hometown of tampa, fla., and had three facebook- and myspace-it
she met up with her 12th-grade boyfriend, who is happily married and wanted her to meet his kid. then she reconnected with her first crush, "the embarrassing kind where i couldn't even talk to him, i liked him so much." he had liked her too; they confessed their old crushes on each other through d and arranged to meet in person the next time stein was in town. but when she met him at a bar, she was immediately disappointed. he had gained weight, worked in a dead-end job and had already been engaged three times. "i was like, um, no," she says.
the third meeting--with a boy whom stein would occasionally meet after high school for what she describes as a "behind-the-bleachers sort of thing"--went differently. he found stein on facebook, and they began talking. stein added him to her list of people to see. they met for dinner, but "it was beyond awkward," and their conversation felt forced. so they left and went to a pool hall.
several hours and drinks later, the former flings were kissing. then stein went home with him. in the morning, she made the drive of shame back home to her parents' house. "here i was, almost 30, and my mom was so pissed at me," stein says. she felt as if she were back in high school.
stein doesn't know what inspired her to do something like that. they knew each other. they had talked extensively through facebook, and their fling felt like more than a one-night stand. but it was definitely less than a real relationship. they had a history, a rapport. they weren't just hooking up; they were doing something they had always wanted to do but had been too young to try. "it was fun," says stein. "i got this really great closure, and it felt safe in a weird way."
and what about elise garber and her first kiss, harlan robins? for them, life really did resemble a romantic comedy. robins remembered his summer-camp girlfriend and replied to her facebook message. they agreed to meet for drinks the next time he was in chicago. when they saw each other, something clicked. they talked into the night, went out the next day, then decided to give their long-distance retrosexual romance a try. surprisingly, it worked. garber quit her advertising job and moved to seattle to be with him. on sept. 6, they married. "and to think," says garber, "i worried that we'd spend the whole evening talking about summer camp."
爱丽丝·加伯嫁给了她的初恋。她是在十五岁的时候参加外展训练学校组织的一次“特别暑假”夏令营中认识的他的。那个暑假，他们的关系带了点暧昧。之后，他们的感情就像年少时期所有的爱情一样无疾而终。但二十二年后，他们却facebook上重遇。
“我也不知道自己为什么会去搜索他” 这位年逾三十七岁、居住在芝加哥的前广告代理执行官说道。加伯本来是正在教一位同事怎么使用facebook，在演示搜索功能的时候（允许用户搜索他们认识的人的名字）她就输入她初恋的名字：哈兰·罗宾斯。在她的同事的催促下，加伯给罗宾斯发了一条信息。然后她边等边想：他会回复我吗？他会加我为好友吗？联系自己夏令营时候的男友是不是有点怪怪的？
facebook的用户年龄已经呈现出越来越大的趋势——该网站已经不只是先锋年轻人的专利，在三十出头到五十开外的人群中也流行了起来。——他们已经发现多种途径去重新联系彼此。还有谁比旧情人或老朋友更让人想联系呢？”facebook能让你更加容易的迈出重新找人的第一步。” 哥伦比亚大学的心理学研究人员rainer romero-canyas解释说，”它最终提供了一种为人们找人的方法，在此，你不必恐惧，也不必担心被拒绝。“ 波士顿的凤凰小组甚至为那些对旧爱还念念不忘的人创造了一个叫”重寻旧爱“的长期项目。
”这就像是打开一个时间闸门," 居住在纽约长岛的34岁前it工作者德鲁·彼得森说道。他重寻旧爱的经历发生在几年前他myspace上遇到他高中时交往的女友。”那时，这还没有变成因特网的信息垃圾堆“ 他们两人在中学时期开始交往，最后一次相逢是在毕业的那天。十七年后，他们开始通过myspace通信，之后，皮德森想知道这位曾经捕获了他年少时不羁的心的女孩变成了什么样子，于是就从纽约飞到了旧金山。彼得森说：“我知道这不会变成珍妮佛·妮斯顿演的那些浪漫喜剧一样。我只是想见见她。” 两人现在也保持着联系，但只是朋友关系。
好像大多数人的重寻旧爱的经历都是因为一时激动而涌现的，并且几乎都混杂着控制不住的怀旧与兴趣。佐治亚大学的心理学教授和《流行自恋》的合著者w.基思 ·贝尔说：“当你想到去找前任女友就只是为了知道她是否还喜欢你时，心里就会有一种兴奋。你好奇地想知道她现在长什么样，并且，这很容易让你幻想你生活原本可能发生的另一种可能。” 这和人们不愿意参加高中同学聚会的原因是一样的。在某种程度上，这些偶然的相逢说到底都一样，尤其是对那些和三十岁洛杉矶电影制作吉利安·斯坦一样的人来说——她回到了家乡坦帕，弗洛，并且有三个facebook和myspace账号，七十二个小时内参加了许多团聚。
在聚会中，她重遇了她中学时代的男友，这位男孩现在婚姻美满，并且邀请她认识他的小孩。之后，她重新联系了她的初恋。“让人感到尴尬的却是我对着他什么都说不来，我曾是如此地喜欢他。”他那时也很喜欢斯坦，他们myspace上互诉衷肠之后约定下一次她在此地的时候亲自见面。但当她在酒吧里见到他的时候，她突然感到很失望。他的体型很胖，工作上也没什么起色，并且已经订婚三次了。她说：“我只能说对不起了。”
第三次的见面是和一个斯坦在高中毕业后时不时见见的男孩，因为当时她把这位男孩形容为“幕后看台”类似的人物。这次见面就截然不同。他在facebook上发现了斯坦，然后他们就谈了起来。斯坦把他加“要见面的人”一栏中。于是他们相约出来吃饭，但是情况已经不是尴尬这么简单，整个对话都很勉强，所以他们只好离开，接着去打桌球。
几小时之后，几杯酒下肚，这对从前的恋人亲吻了彼此，接着，斯坦和他一起回家。第二天早晨，她带着羞愧开车回到她父母的家里。斯坦说：“我都快三十了，我母亲对我发了很大的火。” 她感觉自己像是回到了高中时代。
斯坦不知道是什么鼓励了她去这么做。他们了解彼此。他们在facebook上谈天论地，并且他们的放纵却不止一夜情这么简单，但很肯定的是，这也绝不是认真的亲密关系。他们有过从前，也有过合一的感觉，不仅仅只是玩玩而已。他们尝试了那些年轻时压抑不住想做但却承担不了的事情。斯坦说道：”这很有趣，我得到了一种很好的亲密感，并且不知道为什么，我觉得有安全感。“
再来看看爱丽丝·加伯和她的初恋哈兰·罗宾斯。对于他们来说，生活确实给他们上演了一出浪漫喜剧。罗宾斯对他的夏令营女友念念不忘，于是就回复了她通过facebook发来的信息。他们约好了下一次罗宾斯在芝加哥的时候一起出来喝东西。当他们见面的时候，火花产生了。他们通宵聊天，第二天又约了一次会，接着，他们就决定尝试一下这种长距离的重拾爱情的感觉。让人惊喜的是这种方法凑效了。加伯辞去了自己的广告工作，并搬到了西雅图和他住在了一块。九月六号，他们结婚了。加伯说：”要是当时我们整个晚上都在谈论夏令营的事情的话，那就煞风景了。“