q. the majority of my ex-girlfriends have had “fallback men” lined up in the latter stages of our failed relationships. i have never had a fallback woman lined up. i am currently in a timeout phase with my girlfriend. should i start lining up women up now, because i am sure my current girlfriend has men lined up behind me?
a. no, i don’t suggest you keep fallback women lined up. instead, you should resolve the situation with your girlfriend.
there are many reasons why people line up others as fallback partners. often they fear being alone or fear what it means to be alone, especially if they derive their personal worth from being partnered up or buy into the erroneous view that couplehood enhances their value.
sometimes, people hate not having someone to care for or to take care of them. if such people see singlehood on the horizon, they make doubly sure there is somebody else on deck.
breakups are difficult even if you are the one initiating the split. in many ways, a breakup is a loss or a failure. you might feel guilty. sometimes you like the person even if you don’t wish to remain romantically together permanently.
so, when suspecting there might be a breakup soon, it feels much better to be swept up in the excitement of a new person rather than tolerating feelings of sadness, loneliness or guilt.
but it is healthier to spend time figuring out why the relationship didn’t work, what you might do differently next time, whether the relationship was worth saving or how you might choose a more suitable partner.
the key is the quality of the relationship. maybe it is worth saving and maybe it isn’t.
all relationships go through bleak periods and rough patches. that doesn’t mean it is a bad relationship. but it’s hard to evaluate that if there is always a fallback person who, by definition, presents a rosier picture. with a new person, the negatives have not yet presented themselves.
it’s a shame you have encountered so many past girlfriends who had fallback guys. if someone has a constant rotation of brief, unsatisfactory relationships, they might unknowingly be the problem.
your perception that all women have fallback guys isn’t true. but it seems to have been your experience, which understandably makes you feel lousy. if you know your partner has someone waiting in the wings, it’s hard to be motivated to work on your relationship, or to be enthusiastic about it.
basically, two wrongs don’t make a right. if both of you want the relationship to continue, then neither of you should have a fallback. if one of you doesn’t care whether the relationship works, then get out now, so both of you can find somebody more suitable.
in general, having a fallback person does not portend good things for the current relationship.
dr. gail’s bottom line: it is better to resolve a relationship than to have someone lined up waiting in the wings in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
q：我前女友中的大多数在我们没有关系的后期阶段就已经有一批“备胎”在等着了。但我却从没有过备胎。我目前和我的女友处于一个超时阶段。我是否应该现在就开始找备胎？因为我很确定我的女友已经有成排的男人在等着她了
a: 不，我可不建议你去找备胎。与其这样，你更应该处理好和女友的关系。
有关人们为何寻求“备胎”的原因有很多。他们常常是害怕独处或是将会自己一人，特别是如果他们是通过与别人合作来获得个人价值或是持有只有夫妻关系才能提高自己价值的这种错误观点。
有时人们会讨厌没有人让他们照顾或是照顾他们。所以像这样的人一旦发觉自己将面临单身，他们一定会加倍确保有别的人能补上这个空缺。
分手对于即使是造成关系破裂的那个人来说也是困难的。因为就很多方面而言，分手也是一种损失和失败。你很可能会感到负有罪恶感。而有时你会喜欢上一个即使你并不愿意和她发展长期恋情的人。
因此当察觉到可能很快会分手时，与其去忍受悲伤，寂寞或是罪恶感，不如去感受由一个新人带来的兴奋感。
但是花时间来搞清楚为何这段恋情会出现问题会更好，这样你下次会在这段恋情是否值得去挽回或是你会怎样去选择一个更适合的伴侣这些问题上作出不同的抉择。
关系的质量是关键。也许这段关系值得挽救或者就放弃。
所有的恋爱关系都要经历黯淡期和各种波折。那并不意味这是段不好的恋爱关系。但如果总是有那么一个能够带来更加美好的图景的候补情人的话，那就很难估计了。要知道与一个新的人在一起，不好的一面还不会呈现出来。
你会遇到这么多有候补男友的女朋友确实是挺丢脸的。如果常常处在短暂且不满意的恋情里，那么久而久之就会成为一个问题。
你这种所有的女人都有“备胎”的看法是不正确的。但它似乎能理解为让你感觉不好的经历。如果你知道你的另一半有别的人在翘首以待，确实是很难让你经营这段感情或是对它抱有热情。
基本上，负负并不是能得到正的。如果你们两个都想要维系这段感情的话，那么你们俩都不应该有“备胎”。如果你们两方中的一方不在意这段感情是否能够继续，那么最好现在就分手，然后你们两方都可以去寻找更适合自己的另一半。
总的来说，需找“备胎”对于目前的恋情来说不算是好的兆头。
杰尔博士的总结是：假如感情还有发展的可能，那么就最好去处理好这段感情，而不是去找别的人在后方等着。