yourwedding vows hold the secret to having a happy married life . here is what “to love, honor and obey” really means. warning: not for the faint-hearted.
“for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health ... i will love, honor and obey thee all the days of our lives.”
thus go our wedding vows, our promises made to our spouse, and more so to our god.
but more than obligations to fulfill, they are gifts - because these vows hold the secret to having a happily married life.
“i promise to love .”
you did not promise to remain in-love. you did not promise to feel love. you promised to love.
love is not something you feel. love is something you choose to do. no matter what.
even if he snores.
or leaves his socks and clothes on the floor.
or eats too much.
or loses his job.
or yells at you.
or even hits you.
or has an affair.
or falls in love with someone else.
scandalous? i know!!!
but marriage is a commitment. you commit yourself to love, for better or for worse. of course, to love him does not mean to let yourself be his doormat or punching bag.
let me repeat that:
loving does not mean taking his abuse!
if he is doing something illegal,
if he is hitting you or the kids,
if he is verbally or emotionally abusive,
if he or committing adultery,
you don't have to take it!
love does what is best for the other. it is not love to let him keep thinking that it is all right to be a monster.
if he is abusing you or your kids, you must hand him over to the law. if he is sleeping with other women, he cannot live with you at the same time.
but that does not mean you stop loving him. when - or if - he gets out of prison, or ends the affair, he should realize that you are still there, still waiting, still loving.
easier said than done. marriage, you must realize by now, is not for the weak.
“i promise to honor”
to honor your husband means to make him feel like the big, strong man - whether or not he really is.
you might be surprised. you see, people often live up to their images. if you treat him like a respectable, responsible and loving fellow, it becomes more likely that he will someday really become one.
to honor your husband means:
stopping whatever you are doing to welcome him when he gets home.
keeping his home clean and peaceful.
making yourself attractive to his eyes.
keeping yourself presentable in public so he can brag about his beautiful wife.
never criticizing him in front of other people.
being tactful and kind when correcting him in private.
bragging to others about his wonderful qualities.
teaching his children to respect who he is - but not necessarily what he does.
if you earn more and it bothers him, whether he says so or not, being willing to give up your higher paying job.
treating him like a king.
honoring your husband means not trying to change him...
even if you think doing so would make him a healthier, holier or happier man. you must understand as soon as possible that men do not change because their wives ask them to do so. in fact, the more the wife pushes, cajoles or begs a husband to change, the longer it takes him to do so, simply because he does not want to look like he was controlled by his wife.
but they do change.
“i promise to obey”
this is perhaps the most controversial part of your wedding vows, but obedience is the greatest key to happiness in marriage.
obedience means letting him have the final say in all decisions. you can present the facts, plead your side and make an appeal, but the final say is his, and it must be obeyed.
obedience means he chooses:
which house to buy,
which school your children go to,
whether or not you should quit your job,
whether or not your mother can live with you,
whether or not you pay your debts,
whether or not you go to church.
there are limitations to obedience.
if obedience endangers your mortal life or safety, or your children's mortal lives and safety, then you don't have to obey:
he cannot make you harm yourself, your children or anybody else.
he cannot make you shoot yourself, or anybody else.
he cannot force you to indulge in sadomasochism.
if he has std, or his activities put him at high risk for std, he cannot force you to sleep with him.
he cannot keep you from leaving him if he abuses you or your children.
the gift of obedience is that it removes a heavy burden from you: that of being your husband's keeper.
obedience removes the burden of being your husband's keeper
you keep your children; you support your husband.
that means you help him when he asks for it. otherwise, you sit restfully by his side to adore or be quiet.
you don't carry the burden of his conscience.
you don't police his diet.
you don't interfere with the way he does his business.
you don't remind him of his sins.
it doesn't matter how much you want to; he won't let you, anyway.
because that is his job. in case you didn't notice his vows...
he promised to take care of you, where you promised to obey him
it's his job to take care of you and your children's physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. he is to feed you, protect you, comfort you and bring you to god.
if you and your children starve or become indebted or never go to church, the blame and responsibility all fall on him, whether he likes it or not. you suffer all together, but he suffers the most because he is accountable all by himself. that is a burden he carries alone. that is the gift you receive from obedience.
“all the days of our lives”
there are many controversial questions that this article might raise. i must admit, i am not the best authority to answer them. i simply want to share my insights, hoping they will be as helpful to you as they have been to me.
god bless you in your marriage !
（本文选自 ）
你的结婚誓言隐含着拥有个幸福婚姻生活的秘诀.这就是所谓对爱情忠诚和顺从的真正意义所在.敬告:这些对缺乏勇气的人是不奏效的.
"无论贫穷或是富有,无论不论境遇是好是坏,无论生病与否.....我在我们共同生活的日子里爱你,尊重你并顺从你."
接下来就是婚姻誓言了,我们的誓言是对配偶承诺的,更多的是对上帝承诺的.
但还有比履行义务更多的,那就是礼物-因为这些誓愿带着如何拥有愉快的婚后生活的秘诀"
我承诺去爱."
你没有许诺仍然沉浸在爱中.你没有许诺去感受着爱.你承诺去爱.
爱并不是你所能感觉到的东西.爱是你要选择去做的.无论如何.
即使他会打呼噜.
或把他的袜子散乱在地板上.
或吃得太多.
或失业了.
或是对你喊叫.
甚至是打你.
或是有了新恋情.
又或是他爱上了其他人.
不可原谅?我可以理解!!
但是婚姻就是一个承诺.你许诺自己去爱,无论境遇如何,或好或坏.当然,去爱他并不代表你去当他的受气包或是沙袋.
我重复申明一下:
爱并不意味着去承受他的虐待!
如果他做了不合法的事情,
如过他打了你或孩子,
如果他口头上或情绪上谩骂,
如果他和别人通奸,
你不必要承受他!
爱是完全为了对方好.让他感到成为一个怪物并没有关系,这不能算是爱.
如果他虐待你或你的孩子们,你必须把他送上法庭.如果他和其他女人通奸,同时他不能忍受和你一起.
但那不代表你停止爱他.当某个时候-或如果-他出狱后,或是结束了他的桃花史,他应该能意识到你始终在他身边,一直等他,一直爱他.
说总是比做要更容易.婚姻,你现在必须意识到,不是为弱者的.
"我承诺去尊重."
去尊重你的丈夫以为着你要让他觉得他是个伟大的,强大的人--不管他是不是真的是.
你或许感到很惊讶.你想想,人们总是在意自己的形象.如果你把他当成一个值得尊重的,有责任的和充满爱的人,他很有可能某一天就会成为这种人.
尊重你的丈夫意味着:
当你的丈夫回家时停下你手中的一切事情去迎接他.
保持家里干净,安宁
让你在他眼中充满吸引力
在公众面前让自己作到体面,使得他能吹嘘自己有个漂亮的妻子
不要当其他人的面批评他
当单独纠正他时,说话尽量得体和亲切
向别人吹嘘他的美好品质
叫他的孩子们去尊重他是谁--不必要说他说做的
如果你比他挣得要多,而这件事让他很困扰,无论他啊有没有说,放弃你的高薪工作
把他象国王一样对待.
尊重你的丈夫意味着不要适意去改变他...
即使你认为改变他会让他成为一个更健康,更圣洁,更快乐的人。你必须尽早明白男人不改变是因为他们的妻子一直要他们去改变.事实上,一个妻子越是去逼迫,劝诱,或乞求她的丈夫去改变,她要花费更多的时间能让他改变.仅仅因为他不想让他看起来他是被自己老婆所控制的.
但是他们会改变.
"我承诺去顺从."
这或许是结婚誓言中最具争议的一个环节.但在婚姻中顺服是通往幸福之门的钥匙。
顺服的意思是让他在所有事情上把握最后的决定权。你可以提出你的观点，为你的想法辩护和发出请求，但最后的决定是他的，而且你一定要遵守。
顺从意味着他选择：
要买哪所房子,
你们的孩子要上哪所学校,
你是否要放弃你的工作,
你母亲是否可以和你们住在一起,
你是否要还自己的债务
你是否要去教堂.
顺从也是有限度的.
如果顺服危及到你的起码生活或安全,或是你的孩子们的生活和安全,那么你不需要遵守:
他不能让你危害自己,你的孩子们或是别人.
他不能让你去枪伤自己或他人.
他不能逼迫你沉迷在于性受虐中.
如果他有性传播疾病,或他的活动中发生std的指数很高,他不能逼迫你和他做爱.
他不能阻止你离开如果他虐待你或你的孩子们.
顺服的礼物是它将卸下你作为你丈夫的监护人的负担.
顺从出去了你成为你丈夫监护人的负担
你看养你们的孩子们;
你支持你的丈夫.
那就意味着当他学要帮助时你去帮助他.
不然的话,你就充满爱意的安静的在他边上,或不要发出声音.
你不要成为他思想上的负担.
你不要管制他的饮食.
你不要干涉他做事情的方式.
你不要提前他所犯的错.
不管你有多想去做,无论如何,他都不会让你去做.'
因为那是他的工作.万一你没有注意到他的誓言...
在你承诺顺从他时,他也宣誓去照顾你
在身体上,情感上,心灵上眷顾你和你们的孩子们是他的使命.他将要抚养你,保护你,安慰你并把你交还给上帝.
如果你和你的孩子们挨饿,变得债务累累,或从来不去教堂了,这些都是他的责任,他应该受到谴责,无论他愿意与否.你们都一起受折磨,但他要承受更多,因为他要自己承担责任.那也是他独自承受的重任.那就是你从顺服中得到的礼物.
"我们一起的日子"
这篇文章可能会引起很多有争议的问题.我必须承认,我并不是回答这些问题的最佳人选.我只是想分享我所领悟的,并希望他们会对你们有所帮助,就象当初他们对我的帮助很大一样.
愿上帝赐福于你的婚姻.