much has been written in the media about men cheating on their wives. we have the tale of two jo(h)ns: john edwards, whose wife, elizabeth edwards, appeared on "oprah" recently to promote her new book, "resilence," in which she addresses her husband's much publicized affair, and jon gosselin, costar of the hit tlc reality show "jon & kate plus 8," whose rumored affair has become tabloid fodder.
the former is a tale as old as journalism itself: a man in power cheats on a wife who, from the outside, seemed a supporting and loving spouse undeserving of her husband's unfaithfulness.
the latter is another familiar tale: a man under an enormous amount of pressure is regularly and publicly emasculated and treated like dirt by his wife and seemingly seeks solace with another woman. in both cases, the men are vilified -- but is it possible that maybe, just maybe, at least one of the women had it coming?
over at slate's lady blog, xx factor, susannah breslin wrote a provocative piece about what she calls "bad wives," explaining that jon gosselin's wife kate fits the bill to a t.
"anyone who has spent any time watching [their] show knows its subplot is their marriage," she writes, "and the majority of that relationship seems to consist of kate treating her husband like something that got stuck on the bottom of her shoe, the property of which she cannot quite identify, eliciting a nonstop look of thinly-veiled disgust and disappointment."
"in fact, it's hard to think of moments in which this housewife is not humiliating, degrading, and emasculating her husband. on camera, no less. in one episode, she actually chastised him for breathing too loudly. there she is in the supermarket ripping him a new one for being a lousy spouse. there she is at the pumpkin patch shouting at him for being a substandard father. there she is telling him to stop mumbling like a fool. there she is explaining to the camera that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks."
geez, where was all the outrage when that was going on? isn't that kind of behavior as damaging to a marriage as cheating is? if people vow when they marry to stay faithful to and respect one another, shouldn't the vows be of equal importance? why isn't kate's face on the cover of tabloids for breaking her vows? her indiscretions happen regularly, in front of her children, and on camera.
the larger issue is one of equality. if we're going to point fingers at men behaving badly, we have to take a look at the women's behavior that may provoke it. most issues -- especially those within a relationship -- are rarely ever black and white with a clear-cut victim and oppressor. people cheat for a variety of reasons, very few of which are strictly because they're horrible human beings.
cheating isn't right, but neither is emotional abuse and neglect. the bottom line is: if you push someone enough, it shouldn't be any surprise when you push him into the arms of someone else.
描写丈夫婚外情的事都不能算新闻。这里有两个故事，一个是约翰爱德华的妻子伊丽莎白上了奥菲拉的访谈节目，推销她的新书《恢复》，书中谈到了她丈夫出轨的事，另一个是约翰高瑟林，他是tlc热播真人秀《约翰、凯特以及八个孩子》里的成员之一，他的外遇是小报经常爆料的话题。
第一个约翰的故事，已经象新闻业本身那么古老了：一个有权有势的男人公然欺骗了妻子，而这个妻子在外人看来，是一个非常支持老公、富有爱心的伴侣，应当收获爱人的忠诚。
后一个故事也老掉牙了：一个男人背负着很大的压力，已经被养家糊口折磨地虚弱不堪，强悍的妻子待他犹如垃圾，因此他在别的女人那里寻求安慰。——是不是在这两个故事里，也许，仅仅是也许，至少有一个女人是自己招来背叛的？
在网刊slate颇受关注的博客xx factor里，作者susannah breslin写了一篇有争议的文章，她认为约翰高瑟林的妻子凯特是个坏妻子，她自己招来丈夫背叛的。
“任何看过节目的人都会认为，他们的婚姻是一个次要看点。但这两人的婚姻关系中，凯特常常象对待鞋上粘着的一块东西那样对待约翰，她不能确切判定约翰的斤两，所以稍稍地掩饰着自己对约翰的厌恶和不满。”
“事实上，有些场景让人很难否认，这个妻子没在羞辱人，没有在精神上阉割自己的老公。在镜头前的时候，这样的情况也不少。其中有一集节目里，凯特甚至指责自己的丈夫呼吸声太大了。凯特在超市里骂自己丈夫是一个让人无法忍受的伴侣。在南瓜地里大声吆喝他是一个低能的父亲。她还告诉约翰不要象个傻瓜那样咕哝个不停了。她对镜头解释说她不在乎别人怎么想。”
老天爷，这些愤怒会导向何处？这样的行为不比欺骗更损害婚姻吗？当人们在婚礼上发誓要忠诚和尊重对方，难道他们不该同等的恪守忠诚与尊重这两个承诺吗？为什么小报没有把凯特当做违背诺言的人，把她的照片登在头版上？她暴躁的行为在孩子们面前，在镜头前面，都经常发生的。
总得平等的对待问题的双方。如果我们要指责男人行为不当，那么我们也应该看看女人到底做了什么——特别是在婚姻关系里面，很少见黑白分明的时候，很少有一方是牺牲另一方是压迫者。人们由于很多原因欺骗，但因为本质上邪恶的是少数。
欺骗是不对的，但它不是感情上的虐待和忽视。底线在于：如果你逼人太甚，那么当你发现那个人被推进了另一个人的怀抱，至少不应该吃惊。