Ted演讲:如何激励你的孩子？正确激励孩子的4个秘诀

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[00:00.17]Jennifer Nacif: The Secret to Motivating Your Child	如何激励你的孩子？正确激励孩子的4个秘诀
[00:01.64]I'm so excited!	我真是太激动了。（观众笑声）
[00:04.08]Well, I'm excited not only to be in TEDxSanDiego, but to touch on my favorite subject: the secret to motivating your children. 我这么激动不仅是因为我来到了TEDxSanDiego，也更是因为可以谈及我最喜欢的话题：激励孩子们的秘诀。
[00:13.85]I mean we try to motivate, we do our best, but generally what do we do? 我们都在尽力尝试去激励孩子们，但我们通常都如何做呢？
[00:20.22]We use fear: "Ah, if you don't do this, mmm, big punishment. " 我们利用恐惧：“如果你不这么做，就要受到惩罚。”
[00:24.73]Or we bribe them: "OK, if you do this, you'll get this prize, or this payment. " 	或者利用诱惑：“如果你这么做，你将得到奖励或报酬。”
[00:31.52]And, well it works, on the short term. 这办法确实管用，但时效不长。
[00:34.50]But there are ramifications, consequences that we're not aware of in the long run, when we educate in this manner. 从长远来看，如果我们用这样的行为来教育孩子的话，这会造成种种我们意识不到的后果。
[00:42.54]So, today I want to ask you a question: How many of you would love to have a better relationship with your children? 所以，今天我想问大家一个问题。有多少人希望和你的孩子有更好的关系？
[00:52.57]Raise your hands. Everyone, of course!	希望的举手。果然大家都举手了。
[00:55.94]Now, a harder question: How many of you believe you know, exactly, how to motivate your children? 再来个难一点的问题。多少人觉得自己具体知道如何激励自己的孩子？
[01:04.40]Don't worry, don't feel bad, I don't see any hands. 别担心，不用觉得这事儿不好。我看不到人举手啊。
[01:07.77]Don't take it personally. 我不是针对谁。
[01:09.41]My studies - I've been studying this for more than 20 years - are that less than 2% of parents have the exact answer to this question. 我的这项研究已经进行二十年以上了，只有不到2%的家长具体知道这个答案。
[01:18.40]The good news is: all of you, by the end of this talk, are going to know, exactly, in one word, how to motivate your children. 好消息是，在场所有人在我的演讲结束后，都将知道这一词秘诀，具体如何激励你的孩子们。
[01:27.72]So, let me start by telling you a real story. 我先给大家讲个真实的故事。
[01:31.84]I live in Mexico City and we were at a party, it was a girl's 10th birthday; 我住在墨西哥城，曾在那边参加了一个聚会，是一个小姑娘的十岁生日会。
[01:38.38]my friend has four daughters and they were behaving, not (badly), no, (terribly)! 我朋友有四个孩子，而当时这四个孩子的表现不可以说差，而是要说太差！（观众笑声）
[01:47.88]It came to a point that my friend was very tired and went to the four girls:终于我朋友受够了，她找到这四个小姑娘，说道：
[01:51.78]"The four of you come here, either you behave well or we're going to leave. " “你们四个过来，你们四个要么好好表现，要么现在就回家。”
[01:56.74]Oh, and let me mention, in Mexico the best part of a party is the pinata, the famous pinata (a figure filled with goodies). 让我插一句，在墨西哥的聚会上，重头戏是皮纳塔。这就是著名的皮纳塔。（一种装满吸引人小玩意的容器）。
[02:03.00]No kid wants to leave before the pinata. 没有孩子想在见到皮纳塔前离开
[02:06.45]So the first daughter stares at her mom and says: "Mom, you're right. 于是，第一个女儿盯着她妈妈，说道：“妈妈你说得没错，
[02:12.10]I've been telling my sisters to behave, but they don't pay attention, what can I do?" 我一直跟姐妹们说要注意自己的行为，但是她们都不听，我又能怎样？”
[02:17.55]So the mom goes: "Good job, I'm doing well. "	于是妈妈心想：“我做的还不错。”
[02:21.33]The second daughter looks at the mom... (She sobs) "I'm so sorry mom, I hate disappointing you, 第二个女儿也看着妈妈，（她开始哭）“妈妈对不起，我讨厌让你失望，
[02:33.75]but see, if I don't do what my sisters say then they think I'm a goody goody, and I always follow you, and then they don't like me. "	但是，如果我不按照姐妹们说的做，他们会认为我是个乖乖仔，我总是听你的话，她们不喜欢我这样。”
[02:41.63]But I didn't want you to not like me either. “可我也不想让你不喜欢。” 
[02:46.13](Sobs) Total depression. （她接着哭）（观众大笑）非常郁闷，
[02:48.58]She goes to a corner, depressed. 她走到房间角落，继续郁闷。
[02:50.65]She needs therapy, probably, after that. 在这之后，她可能需要心理医生。
[02:52.92]The third daughter stares at her mom: "My mom, beautiful, wonderful 'preciosa mamita'. 第三个女儿对她妈妈说：“哦我美丽、美妙的‘漂亮姑娘’（西班牙语）！（笑声）
[03:01.40]You keep enjoying what you're doing, of course I'm going to behave. 你继续享受这个聚会吧，我接下来一定好好表现。
[03:08.40]I'm having a wonderful time. " 我很享受这个聚会。”
[03:10.58]She waits five minutes and guess what she does? She goes back to doing what she was doing. 安安静静五分钟后，你们猜怎么着？这姑娘又变回了老样子。
[03:17.71]And then, the last daughter stares at her mom and she says: "Oh really? Then we leave right now!"	最后那个女儿瞪着她妈妈说道：“你认真的？行啊那咱这就走！”（笑声）
[03:31.89]What happened? Same household, same education,  same place they were raised. 为什么会这样？同样的家庭环境，同样的教育背景，她们在同一个地方一起长大
[03:39.62]Why did they react so differently? You might all say, "Obvious, they're different."  为什么她们的反应各不相同？你可能会说：“多明显，因为他们是不同的个体。”
[03:45.25]So if it is so obvious, why do we so often give one instruction to different people expecting the same outcome? 如果真的有这么明显，那为什么我们经常给不同的人……同一个建议，然后期待他们有不同反应？
[03:54.83]That's what we're going to talk about today. 这就是我们今天将要讲的内容。
[03:58.13]So, what I did is that, all the way from Mexico city, I brought the four girls. 我从墨西哥城把这四个姑娘都带来了。（笑声）
[04:03.87]And they are going to tell you a bit about themselves, and the most important part: what motivates each one of them in several words and in one word. 待会儿她们会跟你们聊聊自己，以及最重要的一点：促使她们行为的动机是什么。几个词或一个词总结。
[04:14.85]So let me introduce you to the first daughter. 先让我向大家介绍第一个女儿。
[04:17.64]Oh, these are mine by the way. 啊屏幕上这些是我闺女。（笑声）
[04:21.58]Let me introduce you to the first daughter. 让我来给你们介绍下第一个女儿。
[04:23.64]Her name is Donna because she's so dominant. 她的名字叫唐娜，取自英文单词支配者。
[04:27.48]Hi, I'm a controlling child, yes I am. “嗨，我是一个控制狂，
[04:30.94]I know it and I don't care. 我知道你们怎么想，但我无所谓。
[04:32.31]I like things done, not fast, super fast. 我喜欢事情解决不只是快，要非常快。
[04:34.94]I'm very independent, I like things fast, direct, I have a lot of willpower. 我非常独立，我喜欢事情解决得又快又直接，我的意志力极强。
[04:41.35]I mean, since I was a baby, you know, if I was going maybe 4 hours drive, I didn't like the car seat, so I would cry. 从我还是个婴儿开始，就如此。如果要坐四个小时的车，而我又不喜欢这车座，我就会哭。
[04:48.13]And I wouldn't stop crying, 'til the 4 hours were over. 而且我一哭就可以哭上四个小时不带停的。
[04:51.41]I mean, I get what I want. 我总要得到我想要的，
[04:53.81]I don't ask for it, I demand it. 我不是请求，而是命令。
[04:56.32]I mean, that's how life should be, no? Let's get what we want, let's insist on it. 生活就是这样的不是吗？你说不是？我要得到我想要的，我会坚持。
[05:00.89]I'm adventurous, I'm powerful. 我敢作敢为，我很强大，
[05:04.25]So, what do you think motivates me? OK, challenges? I love being right. 所以你们觉得什么是我的行为的动力？挑战？我喜欢永远正确的感觉。
[05:12.42]I know they say that it's more important to be happy. 我知道人们常说快乐最重要。
[05:15.59]I don't know who says that. 我不知道这话谁说的。
[05:16.93]I mean come on! Being right is super more important than being happy. 但是我想说，别闹了。做对了比做得开心要重要多了！
[05:21.77]Winning and control, very important. 胜利与控制，这两点都很重要。
[05:25.29]But if you can only remember one word, remember this: I need power. 如果你只能记住一个词，那记着这句：我要权力。
[05:33.13]I like to feel powerful. 我喜欢强大的感觉。
[05:35.13]So the next time you're communicating with me, if you take away my power, you bring out the worst in me. 所以下次你和我谈话的时候，如果你把我的权力夺走，我心中最糟糕的一面就会显现。
[05:42.59]So If I'm at a party and my mom says, 'if you behave badly, I'm going to take you away. 因此如果我妈在一个聚会上这样跟我说：‘如果你表现太差，我就带你走。’
[05:47.40]Oh really? We'll see, we'll see who wins. "	呦你认真的？我倒要看看，我们谁赢。”
[05:50.52]So, the question here is: what should the mother have said? 问题来了：这位妈妈应该说什么？
[05:56.20]Well, the answer, before creating things, is ask yourselves: what motivates my D daughter? Power. 答案是，在说话之前先问问你自己，是什么在鼓舞我的女儿唐娜？权力。
[06:03.59]So, why don't I tell Donna: "Hey Donna, I need to ask for a favour. 所以我为什么不这么问问唐娜呢？“唐娜，我想拜托你帮个忙。
[06:07.95]See, your sisters follow you. 你看，你的姐妹们总是听你的。
[06:10.34]I wish they would follow me more, and I need your help. 我希望她能更听我的话，所以我需要你的帮助。
[06:13.16]I know I'm asking a lot because you're just 10 years old. 我知道我要你做的这些太难，毕竟你只有十岁。
[06:16.13]And what I'm asking you to do, well, generally, we ask adults. 我希望你做的这些事，通常都是希望成年人能做到的。
[06:20.00]So I hope you can do this. 我希望你也能做到这些。
[06:21.39]Can you help me set an example for your sisters? Can you do that?" 你能帮我在你的姐妹面前树立一个榜样吗？你能做到吗？”
[06:27.70]What? D is going to resist that? I mean that's gold to my ears. 什么？唐娜会拒绝？这简直就是我梦寐以求好吧。
[06:32.92]So we get the first good outcome. 于是，我们成功拿下了第一个。
[06:36.26]And now I want to introduce you to Sally. 接下来我要给大家介绍莎莉。
[06:39.67]Before introducing you to Sally, this is my D daughter. 在介绍莎莉之前，让大家看看我的‘唐娜'。
[06:42.66]So this is how I've become an expert on the subject. 这就是为什么我能在这方面成为专家。（笑声）	
[06:49.01]Hello, I am Sally the social girl. “大家好，我是莎莉，是社交派。
[06:53.00]I'm a happy kid, I love fun, I love doing happy things, and connecting with people, talking to people, knowing people. 我非常开心，我喜欢有趣的东西，喜欢做让人开心的事儿。我喜欢和人沟通，说话和了解他们。
[07:01.20]Is there anything else in life than knowing a lot of friends, and having a lot of friends?生活不就是为了认识一群人，再拥有一群朋友吗？
[07:05.22]So to me, helping others and having a great old time is wonderful. 所以对我而言，帮助别人，一起享受美好时光最为美好。
[07:10.85]At the party you must ask yourselves what motivates us? 你可能会问，在一个聚会上，我们这样的人会有动力做什么呢？
[07:16.38]OK, so as social people, we need to connect with people, to make friends, to help others. 对于社交派，我们需要和别人互动。要交朋友，要帮助他人。
[07:22.98]Our keywords are: connection and fun. 我们的关键词是：沟通与乐趣。
[07:27.22]My mother could have just come and said, how about if she would have said: 我妈妈可以过来跟我说，她可以这样说：
[07:34.00]'Hey look at all those trees, don't they make amazing hiding places? ‘看看这些树，你不觉得那里很适合捉迷藏吗？
[07:39.30]Why don't you organize a great hide and seek game?' 你可以组织一场很有趣的捉迷藏游戏。’
[07:44.95]You think I'm going to resist that? 你觉得我会拒绝吗？
[07:46.67]You think I'm going to want to go back to do what I was doing, when I can do a hide and seek game?你觉得我还会想回去做我之前做的吗？当我可以玩捉迷藏的时候？
[07:50.84]See how it flows, how naturally it comes, when we are motivated to do what we were born to do? 看到了吧，它自然而然就来了，什么时候我们会感受到动力？我们生来为何？
[07:57.00]So that's our social girl. 这就是我们的社交派。
[08:00.25]And let me introduce you to Vivi, my social sister. 我向大家介绍下薇薇，我的社交派妹妹。
[08:03.32]She has given me the experience to deal with social people.是她让我有了与社交型人群打交道的经验。 
[08:08.64]If you're hearing a laugh, it's my mom. 如果你听见有人在笑，那一定是我妈。（笑声）
[08:16.00]Third, I want to introduce you to Patty. 第三个了，我想向大家介绍帕蒂。
[08:22.00]Good afternoon. My name is Patty. “下午好。（笑声）我的名字叫帕蒂，
[08:26.76]I love helping, stability, my family. 我很喜欢帮助别人，也喜欢安定和我的家人。
[08:33.41]I love being close to my family. 我特别喜欢和我的家人们在一起，
[08:35.00]I miss them when I'm away. 如果我出远门，我一定特想他们。
[08:36.47]I don't like pressure, I hate confrontation. 我不喜欢压力，更讨厌竞争。
[08:41.12]I really stress out with that. 一竞争我就特别紧张。
[08:43.21]I like for people to get along, to love each other, to share, to care. 我喜欢人们一起相伴，互相敬爱、分享、关心。
[08:49.54]What motivates me the most? Harmony, safety, kindness, acceptance, helping others. 我的最大动力是什么？和谐、安全、和善、赞同和帮助他人。
[08:57.88]A key word for me: safety. 我的关键词：安全。
[09:01.20]If I feel safe, I'll go to the end of the world, But If I feel threatened, well, I don't do much at all. 如果我觉得安全，我可以这样到天荒地老。但如果我觉得受到威胁了，我什么也不做。
[09:10.83]I can freeze even. 我甚至可能会僵掉。
[09:12.36]So, what should have my mom said to me? 所以，我妈妈应该跟我说些什么呢？
[09:16.60]She could've approached me and in a very loving and caring way said: 'Patty, I know you want to please your sisters, I understand. 她可以靠近我，然后用充满爱意和关心的语调跟我说：‘帕蒂，我知道你想让你的姐妹们高兴，我懂。
[09:26.17]And I know you feel bad because you want to please me, but remember, life is not about pleasing others. 我也知道你不愿意惹妈妈不高兴。但你要记住，生活不是取悦他人。
[09:33.39]I know deep down in your heart you know what's right. 我相信你心底清楚这样做不对。
[09:36.67]Trust your heart, not people outside of you, but yourself. 相信你自己的心，而不是盲从于除你以外的其他人。不
[09:41.30]No matter what happens, I'm always here and I love you. ' (She takes a deep breath) 管发生什么，我永远在这里也永远爱你。’（她深呼了一口气）
[09:46.89]That felt so good. 这个感觉太好了。
[09:48.39]So let's remember, if you have kids like me, always through patience, love, and understanding. 记住，如果你的孩子和我一样，一定要保持耐心、爱意与理解。
[09:55.30]No pressure please. We don't do well. Thank you. "	千万别施压，我们会更糟。谢谢。”
[10:02.00]And, this is my beautiful Valentina. She's my Patty daughter who has taught me about the kindness and wonderful human heart of that style of personality. 这个是我美丽的瓦伦蒂娜，她就是我的帕蒂型女儿。她让我认识到这类人所具有的和善与美好的心灵。
[10:15.29]Last but not least: 	最后一个：
[10:20.77]Hi, My name is Anna. “嗨，我的名字叫安娜，
[10:22.88]I am a very responsible child ever since I was born, I do what I am suppose to; I follow rules, that's why they exist, I wish everyone would. 我是一个非常可靠的孩子。自从我出生起，我就知道自己应该做什么。我听从规矩，毕竟规矩就是让人遵守的，我真希望所有人都遵守。
[10:31.47]I'm very ordered, I organize my things wonderfully well. 我非常有条理性，我可以把自己的东西安排妥当。
[10:35.51]So, I'm a very good child. I have good grades. 所以我是个好孩子，成绩一直不错。
[10:38.70]Hey, so, you could almost say we're the perfect children. 你甚至可以说我是个完美的孩子。
[10:42.68]The problem is we need to lighten up sometimes because we take so much responsibility and so much so seriously, that we always have stomach problems. 问题是，有时我们也需要减负。因为我们肩上的责任太重，太多。我们总会有胃病。
[10:52.41]When we grow up, if you know people like me, we have gastroenteritis and a lot of other stomach things. 当我们长大，如果你认识我这样的人，会发现我们有肠胃炎。以及一堆其它肠胃疾病。（笑声）
[10:57.84]We are just way too apprehensive. 我们就是太善解人意了。
[11:00.33]So what motivates us: order, structure, mental challenges. 所以我们的动力是：秩序、结构和智力挑战。
[11:05.76]Key word: clarity. 关键词是清晰。
[11:08.00]Step by step, specific instructions and you will get the best of us. 一步步地，详细的指导，你会发现我们的优点。”
[11:14.80]And from the daughters, Anna was the one who reacted in the best way because she said, "I know mom. " 在所以姑娘们中，安娜是表现最好的那个。因为她会说：“我知道的，妈妈。”
[11:21.23]So we could give her instructions on how she could help her daughters(sisters) do better things. 所以我们可以给她一些指示。指示她如果去帮助她的女儿（姐妹）们做得更好。
[11:27.23]So, in conclusion... 总结一下，让我先介绍下薇恩。
[11:29.11]Oh, and let me introduce you to Vane, my analytical sister who, when I grew up, helped me understand the importance of cleanliness, that's next to heavenliness right?	我井井有条的姐妹，在我成长时，是她让我明白干净的重要性。简直就是在天堂旁边对吧？（笑声）
[11:40.99]So, just to conclude, I hope that you remember, when you talk to your children, what motivates them. 现在总结一下。我希望大家在和自己的孩子谈话时，记住什么能激励他们。
[11:49.23]Is it power? Is it connection and fun? Is it safety? Is it clarity? 是权力吗？还是沟通与乐趣？是安全？还是清晰？不
[11:55.96]Be it what it may be, I invite you to create a chain reaction for all parents to change manipulation to motivation. 管它是什么，我邀请你一起来创造一连串的变化让所有的父母从操纵变为鼓励。
[12:08.51]Thank you. 谢谢。（掌声）

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Ted演讲:如何激励你的孩子？正确激励孩子的4个秘诀