These lesser known classics by the Bard are ready to be adapted, updated, and probably ruined by Hollywood.
The works of William Shakespeare are irresistible meals to the movie industry--excellent name recognition, royalty-free, and the greatest works of literature in Western Civilization. But those bones have been picked, pulled, and sucked clean. There are more movie versions of Hamlet than deaths in Hamlet, and that’s saying something.
There are a few that have slipped through the cracks. Here are four of Willy’s B-side plays we’d like to see not only adapted into films, but updated (we’re still waiting for Macbeth in Space.)
1. Coriolanus
The Play: Coriolanus was proclaimed a better tragedy than Hamlet by T.S. Eliot, and we all know what a savvy showbiz insider he was. Peasant-hating Roman general Caius Martius (a.k.a. Coriolanus) parlays his military victories against the Volscians into a successful Senate campaign. But career backstabber Brutus (does that guy ever stop being a d-bag?) and Sicinius engineer an uprising against Coriolanus, who--not to be out-d-bagged--rants and raves about the futility of popular rule by dirty, dirty poor people. This outburst gets him exiled, but he befriends the Volscians, who assist him in a siege on Rome. A Roman-Volscian peace treaty is signed, which seems like a great idea...until Coriolanus is assassinated by Volscians. Bummer.
Updated Plot: A juicy political thriller/period piece. Vaguely Nixonian arch-conservative comes back from Vietnam and wins a Senate (I know, right?) seat--only to be double-crossed by a two-faced campaign manager with a tape recorder. After a lost weekend in the Cambodian wilderness, he manages to end the war, but is ultimately shot by Khmer Rouge snipers.
Ideal Cast: First on the marquee is Ray Liotta, in wounded lion mode. Campaign manager: Frank Langella.
New Title:The Senator
2. Cymbeline
The Play: Princess Imogen secretly marries her commoner boyfriend Posthumus, and when King Cymbeline (yes, that’s a dude’s name) finds out, he angrily banishes his new son-in-law. Posthumus’ friend Iachimo bets the exile that he can seduce his bride, but instead, Iachimo just sneaks into her bedroom and steals one of her bracelets. For Posthumus, this is somehow sufficient proof of Imogen’s betrayal, so he enlists his servant Pisanio to kill her. Lucky for Imogen, Pisanio is comparatively sane enough to help her escape. Meanwhile, Imogen’s evil stepmother tries her hand at a number of nefarious plans--but fortunately, she dies. Imogen and Posthumus are reunited, Cymbeline and his abducted heirs are reunited, and yada yada, happy ending.
Updated Plot: Cymbeline has all the makings of a classic Lifetime movie: a woman scorned, a wildly dysfunctional family, and even lurid hints of spousal abuse.
Ideal Cast: King Cymbeline: Daniel Baldwin. Evil stepmother: Valerie Bertinelli. Pisanio: Héctor Elizondo. Imogen: Tia and/or Tamera Mowry. Posthumus and Iachimo: Any males under 35 who happen to wander onto the soundstage.
The New Title: ‘Till Death Do Us Part: The Princess Imogen Story
Health Top Tips Nutrition Love Lifestyle Happiness Weight Loss3. The Life of Timon of Athens
The Play: Timon is a rich Athenian who freely gives his money and possessions to his friends and servants until he has nothing left. (This was before QuickBooks.) But once he’s filed for the Ancient Greek equivalent of bankruptcy, his buddies leave him hanging. Generally pissed at humanity, Timon seeks refuge in the woods, finds a bunch of gold, but refuses to return to society. He dies--presumably of exposure--alone in the wilderness.
Updated Plot: The Lion King tie-in is tempting, but Wall Street needs to be a trilogy. Picture this: Gordon Gekko has retired to the Hamptons, softened into actually kind of a nice guy by old age, or possibly the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Gordon funnels a fortune into a number of tax-deductible non-profits, loses his savings, then--while living in a cave on one of Long Island’s more desolate beaches--finds a briefcase full of Apple stock certificates. In the end, he dies of a tragic heart attack--who can afford Lipitor on a forager’s budget?
Ideal Cast:Michael Douglas, obviously. Flavius, Timon’s lone faithful servant, becomes Paul Dano as a well-meaning but socially awkward summer analyst from Cornell.
The New Title: Wall Street 3: Money Takes a Nap
4. The Merry Wives of Windsor
The Play: Falstaff, an obese and vain knight who previously appeared in Henry IV, somewhat mysteriously resurfaces in The Merry Wives of Windsor, set two hundred years later, in Shakespeare’s own time. To make some cash, Falstaff sets out to seduce the wives of unsuspecting rich gentlemen. The two ladies in question quickly discover that, class act that he is, Falstaff has sent both of them the same letter. They decide to get back at their altogether unappetizing suitor by feigning romantic interest in him. Falstaff, apparently confident in his, well, unusual brand of sexual magnetism, remains oblivious to their machinations. Before the truth finally comes out, the titular wives manage to bury Falstaff in filthy laundry and costume local children as fairies to “pinch him sound and burn him with their tapers.” We’re not entirely sure what a taper is, but we think we’d prefer not to be burned with one.
Updated Plot: Sexy ladies with ulterior motives disingenuously vying for the affections of down-on-his-luck, anachronistic wackjob? Sounds like a VH1 reality dating show to us. Shakespeare’s farcical twists and turns aren’t anything a clever producer couldn’t think of.
Ideal Cast: In keeping with Will’s English heritage, let’s look to Britain’s bloated has-beens: how about Def Leppard’s Rick Savage? Plus, of course, the requisite twenty anonymous skanks.
The New Title: Noble Savage