Is it possible to have a romantic Christmas? Sue Quilliam says you can
Here's the dream. Christmas Day dawns with the two of you happy and in love. Perhaps you make love first thing, then curl up in front of the fire together to open your presents. You toast each other over Christmas lunch, spend a happy day enjoying each other's conversation and have a final passionate sex session before falling asleep in each other's arms.
Here's the reality. You've both been so stressed getting ready for the holiday that Christmas Eve evening is spent rowing. Christmas morning is spent preparing lunch and getting under each other's feet. Over lunch, at least one of you drinks too much and goes to sleep in front of the television. And then you fall into bed exhausted, not speaking.
Yes, the Christmas holiday holds all the promise of a wonderfully romantic time but usually it doesn't deliver. You're so exhausted and unused to being in each other's company that you get tense and irritable. And if you have kids or the relatives are landing, it's even worse. Relate, the couples counselling organisation, reports more calls as a result of the Christmas break than at any other time of the year.
Follow these tips and this year you can bring the dream to life.
Chill out
Cut back on your expectations of the day so that you don't overwork and overdo it. It's better to have a calm, happy Christmas together than to expect a perfect one that just ends in disappointment.
Decide on a division of labour up front, so that one of you (usually 'she') doesn't do all the work. Give yourselves regular breaks to get your breath back, particularly if you have kids to look after.
De-stress your bodies. Don't overeat or drink too much. Go for a walk at least once a day over the holiday because exercise reduces tension.
De-stress your minds. If it all gets too much, take a break from the celebrations: listen to a calming tape or read a book for a while. We all need time alone to recharge our mental batteries - so even if there's a party underway take a break alone. Sanity makes for a happier Christmas.
Get to know each other again
Carve out some time just for yourselves over the Christmas holiday. Send the children to Grandma's, lock the door to friends, take the phone off the hook. Be together.
If you can, do something romantic that doesn't involve Christmas. Go out for a meal and stare at each other in the candlelight.
Get lots of physical contact. Snuggle up together on the sofa.
Make mental contact. Take some time over the break to sit and swap notes on - the best times you've had in the past year and the hopes and dreams for the coming year.
Create Christmas passion
If you have children, carve out at least one evening where you are in the house alone and can let your hair down. Then set the scene with music, a fire, an erotic video perhaps. Check out the sh! website for a selection of erotic but educational videos.
A good Christmas stocking present would be a tiny sex manual to get you giggling and give you inspiration. I'd recommend the Great Sex Guide by Anne Hooper, (Dorling Kindersley, £7.99).
Make up a Christmas present list of three things (each) that you'd like your partner to do to you - from the best kind of oral sex, through to the fantasy you've always wanted to act out together. Then work your way through the list.
If it goes wrong
If you do feel yourselves getting irritated or argumentative, don't panic or think you're failing. This is a very stressful time of year and it's not surprising that tempers fray occasionally.
Use a three-part technique I recommend in my book Stop Arguing Start Talking.
Relax - breathe deeply and ease away the tension that is probably causing the row.
Review - look back and think of times you've felt good about each other.
Reach out - make the first move to reconciliation by saying 'sorry' or offering a hug.
If that doesn't work, take time out. A twenty-minute break away from each other will allow the adrenalin to settle and give you a chance to get things in perspective.
If it all really goes pear-shaped and you're in crisis contact Relate. They will work with both of you, or just one of you, to sort out the issues that are causing the problem.
Tell us about your Christmas on the Let's talk about relationships message board.