Aren’t you tired of the same old weather conversations, grandpa’s snore fest and the boring football game followed by pumpkin pie? We need to spice up the good ole’ traditions, my people.
Lets start some new traditions by taking everything inappropriate and uncomfortable and bringing it to the dinner table. Here’s a list that will help bring your family closer together or, perhaps, tear them to shreds – either way…it’s gonna be a damn entertaining Thanksgiving.
10. The Pot
Marijuana is easier to get than booze now so, get your medical marijuana license and bring some “Alaskan Thunderfuck” or “Cat Piss” to Thanksgiving. At first, everyone may object when you light up in the living room, but one smell of that fine green machine and your dad will be telling you about how high he used to get before gym class. Also, it will cut down on leftovers.
9. An Unknown Baby
Just walk in with a random baby (they are wicked easy to rent) and say “THE BABY IS HERE!” Make sure you wear a huge smile and don’t explain a damn thing. Conservative families won’t say a word until you mosey on out the door or they can corner you in the kitchen. They won’t yell because well..WASP’s don’t yell. Nothing like spicing up Thanksgiving by starting the gossip train before anybody’s even had yams.
8. Scrabble
This one may seem innocent enough, but scrabble loses its innocence when there are pent up family issues and booze. First, nobody can really spell after seven glasses of wine and if your family hates each other and can’t spell; it’s a prime environment to shoot your family into a mini-crisis. Simple misspellings of kindness by Grammy will insight her bitter children to start a “discussion” about how daddy would’ve never left if she were kinder. Double letter score!
7. Spiked Apple Cider
Family doesn’t like to drink on holidays? Have some recovering alchies in the fam? Spike some cider and let the fun times begin. If you boil your cider with nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice and then throw in just the right amount of rum, they will never know why their lips are so loose. Plus, who knows – maybe the booze will incite some battle between the brothers who’ve always hated each other. You may have a front yard brawl on your hands and there is nothing better than that on Thanksgiving Day.
6. An Inappropriate Movie
This one only works if you have a movie watching family, but nothing cuts the tense family evening other than Inglorious Bastards or Piranha 3D. Not to spoil either film, but one has Nazis, profanity and brains splattered all over and the other one literally has porn stars, tits and a penis spit out by a fish into your face. Terr-awesome.
5. New Extreme Dating Interest
You know the type of date that will piss your family off, so get to it! Go to your local biker bar or pick up a new lesbian lover. Most families are cordial enough to allow the uninvited guest to eat, but the select few who have wicked closed-minded families may have a heyday with this one. Let’s go all in, folks. Bring your sexist and racist family into 2010 and prey for conversations that start with “Soooo, Jim…twice married and seven children by SEVEN different women?” Yes!
4. Shunned Family Member
Oh the joys of family drama. We all have a dirty uncle Kevin; you know the guy, the guy no woman wants to be alone with, but is forced to at family picnics. The guy whose invitation gets conveniently forgotten at every big family event. Well, it’s your turn to bring this family together and make every single person uncomfortable. Who knows…maybe a pissed off cousin will sock him in the face for feeling up his pregnant girlfriend.
3. A Family Secret
This one is going to take some research, kids so, do your homework. I would suggest taking grandpa’s favorite cough medicine over to the old fella’s condo and getting some serious information. It’s difficult not to have a spicy Thanksgiving when you reveal your cousin is actually your sister. Just saying.
2. Inappropriate Outfit
This can be as simple as wearing your brand new Star of David necklace to your insanely catholic stepmom’s hizzy or wearing your clubbing dress to your conservative uncle’s house. You know the uncle who insists on measuring his daughter’s skirts before they leave the house. My suggestion? Smell like coconut, put on a junkload of glitter, rock a sequined mini and tell him you’re sorry for your inappropriate dress, but you just got off work.
1. Purging Feathers…For Everyone
Thanksgiving is all about gluttony; why not bring something to purge the disgusting, fatty tendencies of the ones you hold near and dear to your heart. These amazing little devices are available online and look fabulous in a fancy short vase placed strategically next to the gravy. They also make a lovely conversational piece.