At a certain point, everybody needs a guidebook. Columnist Leigh Newman reveals her most helpful no-nos and yes-yeses.
1. A true sign of love is giving your partner the soft pillow.
1. Always give money to the girl with the violin or the guy with the guitar.
3. Never leave a hospital with a newborn but without a birth certificate.
4.Everybody loves a doughnut.
Everybody. Even divorce lawyers.
5. If you think you need concealer, you need concealer.
6. Thank-you notes. Always.
7. Leggings are not pants.
8. When you see someone you know but don't feel like talking to them, don't look at the grass in the park or study a jar of mayonnaise on the supermarket shelf and pretend you don't see them.
They know you're faking, and they'll remember.
9. There are only three real answers: yes, no and yes but later.
10. People notice wrapping paper, not wrapping skills.
11. You will never change anybody's opinion about whether or not the bathwater is too hot or too cold.
12. Go to bed.
Go to bed.
I know it's only 10:30 p.m., but go to bed!
13. No tattoos on the neck.
On you or anyone else.
14. Moms like scented candles. It's not a crime to give them one every month.
15. If you tell somebody to go away, they will hang around.
16. Nonstop flights are worth the extra money.
17. If you see lilacs or water balloons in April, you absolutely must buy them.
Due to their short lifespan in water (lilacs) and the fact that all stores now sell summer novelty items in spring so that they can sell Halloween stuff in summer (water balloons), you only have five smoking-hot seconds to purchase either item for other people—and cause them to fall down in a shuddering fit of joy. And yes, adults do, too, love water balloons.
18. Lifting your tongue to the roof of your mouth while taking a photo helps smooth out a double chin.
19. Books. Books. More Books.
20. Men who don't put their face in the water are men you may not date or marry.
You can swim or not swim, but you can't half-swim. That is like half-walking, half-thinking or half-falling in love. The guy has to put his face in the water, even if it's cold and dark.
21. The five-second food-on-the-floor rule is really the 30-second food-on-the-floor rule.
Except in houses with dogs.