Every family with more than one child has one: the favorite.
While the issue is often laughed off, having favorites in a family can have serious, long-lasting consequences, for both the favored child and the other children in the family.
"It's perfectly normal for parents to favor one child or another at one time or another. It's what they do with that favoritism that can create problems," says Arthur Robin, a psychiatrist and director of psychology training at Children's Hospital of Michigan.
While favorites and their siblings can grow up to become well-adjusted adults, playing family favorites can cause major problems.
"I've had people say to me, 'My siblings, to this day, resent it,'" says psychotherapist Ellen Weber Libby, who wrote the book "The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life" (Prometheus Books, $18). "I've had favorites say that the guilt they felt about being the favorite caused them to bend over backward to show affection toward their siblings."
What should a parent do when a child says a sibling is your favorite?
Listen; communicate your feelings in ways that assure your love for every child, and take steps to correct behavior that may be sending the wrong message, advises family psychologist Kenneth R. Greenberg, author of "Tusky's Big Decision" (Xlibris), a story about an elephant who runs away from home because he thinks his sister is loved more.
"There's some degree of favoritism in every family with more than one child," says Greenberg, a University of Maryland professor emeritus. "It can range from mild to severe, but it's inevitable because children are different."
Problems arise, psychologists say, when favoritism is overt and only one child is consistently favored. Favored children sometimes grow up facing more stress because they're held to higher standards or no standards.
Children not favored may end up resenting the favored child. But they also can grow up well-adjusted because they don't have the stresses associated with being favored.
If a child expresses concern about another child being favored, the parent should first appreciate that the child opened up about his feelings. Usually, young children don't tell their parents if they feel that way. Instead they tell a sibling or someone else, and the parent overhears it or is told by someone else, Greenberg says.
Open communication is the very best thing. "Listen and then do a personal evaluation," says Greenberg. "Maybe there's a basis for the child feeling that way, or maybe there's some truth you have not seen."