Making girlfriends was always easy. My life-long friendships formed as early as the age of three and continued to grow through childhood birthday parties, high school, college, and every place my twenties took me. These friendships are true gifts, and for the majority of my life, they have led me to believe that my “friend file” is full.
But, it happens. We move. We marry. We have babies. We get new jobs. We break up. We move again. This wonderfully vicious cycle can really scatter girlfriends. I know. My inspiring, stimulating, funny, talented, and adventuresome friends are no longer in the top bunk, down the street, or at happy hour. Our time together is now limited to a few much-coveted weekends a year and many long-distance phone calls. Online photo galleries are where we now learn the most about each other’s new lives.
This is a real bummer—a lot of the time. Particularly when I want to go walking and analyze life with someone without my cell phone. Or when it’s Saturday and I want to go have a pedicure and several glasses of wine. Or when I’m depressed for no real reason and want to hang out with someone who knows me and can call my bluff. Or when I’m shopping and I need someone to verify whether I should or should not buy. Or when I want to have an all-girl dinner party and realize that all the people I would normally invite live somewhere else.
I’ve pouted and complained and resisted. But now I’ve moved so many times that I’ve had to venture out there and make new friends. This is one of the more awkward realities I’ve encountered in my adult life. It’s almost like a job interview or a first date, but worse, because girlfriends never used to be work. I barely have time to keep up with my dear friends who live far away. Now I have to make time for new friends I barely know. I’ve had to learn to be patient and keep an open mind. I’ve also learned which scenarios come with more risk and which ones take more time. I’m sharing a few of my findings, in hopes that others like me might be brave enough to try.
The “lost touch” friend: This is a person that you used to know, but fell out of touch with along the way. Some magical force has landed you in the same city/company/neighborhood. This is by far the safest bet for a new friend. I mean, you used to know this person, and yes, we all change through our lives. But truth be told, you likely still have a lot in common. You just need to get over the hurdle of feeling guilty for falling out of touch—chances are this person feels the same way. Just pick up the phone and apologize and plan to grab dinner.
The “mutual friend”: I’ve found this to be a reliable source, particularly when you’re new to a city. Contacting a mutual friend feels less awkward because you know it was someone else’s idea. These people feel more inclined to meet you because they like the mutual friend. One of my (newer) best friends is someone who people kept nagging me to call, and now we laugh because both of us were so tired of hearing about it, we just gave in. She has since gotten married and moved away (sigh) which brings me to…
The “cool friend you meet through your boyfriend”: Okay, I know this one is really specific, but it is one that needs a mention. Assuming you have a cool boyfriend, he likely has cool friends. I’ve met some great women this way and it’s easy because a lot of times they’re already at the dinner/party/function, so there’s little effort involved. The screening process is basically handed to you. The tricky part is, if you do really like a person and want to become better friends, you have to eventually stop relying on your boyfriend to bring you into these situations and take initiative on your own. You also need to ensure that this person is someone you can hang out with and not talk about your boyfriend the whole time.
The co-worker: This can be a lot of fun, but I sometimes find it difficult to let people I work with into my personal life. Of course, it’s all subject to where you work, but unless you’re lucky enough to have one of those open-minded, creative jobs where everyone wears their heart and soul on their sleeves, it can be strange sitting in a meeting with someone who you’ve just analyzed life/sex/family with. I’m certainly not above this (remember, I am the one who needs the friends) but I find that I only really get to a certain level with new people I meet at work—mostly wine time, a few laughs, and some innocent office gossip (which granted is a nice way to break up the week).
The “things in common” friend: Now this is really one that makes me feel old. And, in my opinion, this one takes the most courage and time and involves the biggest risk. Sure, that person in your <insert activity here> class seems to be your age and seems to be funny, but will that translate outside of this activity into a fun night out? And if you find out that it’s not meant to be, will you have to stop <activity> to avoid having to address it? I don’t have any magical advice on this one. I will say though, that I have reached out to people whom I met in a setting where all we had to go on was that one activity we had in common and so far, so good.
I can honestly say there’s nothing like an old friend. I still have days where I would give anything if one showed up on my doorstep. I wonder though, if my wish came true if I would be so satisfied. Old friends have been there during some formative times in my life that can never be replaced. I am still forming though, and there are people around now that perhaps one day, I will say the same thing about.