Have you ever had something happen to you that is so wrong on so many levels that you have trouble determining what the most egregious part of it is? You might even question your own grip on reality. Your only response is “Seriously? Did that seriously just happen?”
A friend of mine recently went on a date with a guy she’d met online. We’ll call him Ted. Ted was divorced with two kids who live out of town. My friend, whom we’ll call Anna, enjoyed herself. They laughed, they talked; he even brought her flowers. So Anna was surprised to not hear from him for a week. However, they texted and decided to meet again over beer and hot wings.
Since Ted was new to town, my friend offered to pick the restaurant. On the day of the date, she texted him to confirm the place and time. The exchange that followed has been lost to cell phone purgatory, so I will try to reconstruct it here as best as I can:
Ted: Yeah, we’re still on. By the way, do you want to have kids? I can’t remember if we talked about it or not.
Boom. There it is, folks. Ted just put it out there, like any other aside you might make in a text message regarding and prior to your SECOND date with someone. Sort of like, “Let’s get Thai. By the way, have you ever served time in prison?” or “Wanna get a drink first? By the way, what was the result of your last pap smear?”
Anna, understandably surprised but unruffled—perhaps he had been so concerned about the topic that he awkwardly blurted it out and would be embarrassed later: That’s a loaded question. Can we talk about it tonight? Here’s the address. See you at 7.
Ted: Because I can’t. I just wanted you to know before we got too far.
Anna, deciding to wait for the SECOND date for clarification on that statement—was his “can’t” physical (perhaps he’d been snipped after the last two)? Emotional (his other kids required all of his attention)? Financial (kids are expensive)? Or legal (the state had informed him that he is not allowed near small children)?: No worries. See you tonight.
Ted: So you don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?
Anna, feeling pressured to describe her reproductive choices in 160 characters or less: It’s kind of complicated for a text message. I’m not one of those women foaming at the mouth to have kids. Never have been. It’s not a decision I would ever take on or make by myself. It would be a discussion I’d have with my partner. It’s not a deal-breaker. I hope we can talk more about this tonight.
There was no response for three hours. Finally, less than two hours before date time, Anna, still giving Ted the benefit of the doubt, texted one last time, trying to minimize the weirdness. Maybe he was on medication that impaired his higher-level thinking, or maybe someone was holding a gun to his head and demanding that he text the girl he had met only once to ask whether or not she wanted to have his babies.
Anna: Disappointed not to hear back from you. I really hoped we could talk about this.
Ted called with several excuses: he had been on a webinar when they were texting, then he’d been assigned to a rough project, then his mom had called. Could they take a rain check?
Before I tell you whether they did take that rain check (if you’re like me, you’re screaming, “Dear god, no! Don’t do it, Anna!”), let’s examine all the rules of dating and otherwise being a normal, socially effective person that Ted broke here:
1. Inappropriate use of text message. While the invention of SMS has improved our lives in many ways, there are some topics of conversation that should not be broached via text message, like marriage or breaking up or babies. Especially during a WEBINAR in the middle of your workday.
2. Premature asking of a BIG question. Did I mention this was before their SECOND date? They were still in “favorite color” territory.
3. Forcing an issue. If someone you’re dating asks to talk about something at a later time or in person, forcing the issue is not just rude, it’s bullying.
Ted’s final infraction occurred in the aftermath of the text exchange. When my friend expressed hesitation at a rain check, citing how their textersation had confused her, he responded the following morning:
Ted: Yes, the text exchange got weird. [Clearly this was her fault.] All I wanted was a yes or no answer. It seemed to me your answer was yes. Maybe we should just wish each other the best.
Aaaaaand the insult was complete. Not only had Ted inappropriately used a text message to prematurely ask a big question and forced the issue, but he had done the one thing that will piss a woman off faster than anything else: he decided he knew what Anna wanted more than she knew herself, namely his sperm. They agreed to wish each other well and go their separate ways.
Ted, if you’re out there, Anna and I have decided it might be best if you don’t reproduce after all. Thanks for making that decision for her.