Are You a Dirty Fighter?
You get a little windfall from your tax return (hallelujah!). You’re thinking Paris; he’s thinking a massive flat-screen TV. You say:
“Um, I guess a better view of Family Guy trumps the view from the Eiffel Tower.”
“I’ve only been dreaming of Paris since I was a little girl, but whatever. I love TV. I watch it like once a year. So yay!”
“This is even worse than that time three years ago when you totally screwed up my special birthday dinner for 20.”
“You always ruin everything! We never ever do anything fun!” (Repeat multiple times at top volume until hoarse.)
When it comes to sex, you’d prefer a little less talk and a lot more...action. Your solution?
Get a vibrator—that should hold off the convo for at least a little while.
Say, “My friend Jennifer just won’t shut up about how much sex she and her husband have. I guess they do it like every single night. Can you imagine?”
Show him a pie graph representing the number of times he’s initiated sex versus the times you have…noting that it looks an awful lot like Ms. Pac-Man.
One word: offense. Accuse him of sexual neglect via cheating.
He’s a complete neat freak. You, not so much. He jokes that when he imagined his dream girl, she
didn’t come with that Mount Everest pile of clothes on the floor. You:
Feel your neck getting prickly and hot as you fake-laugh off his insult.
Slowly clean up, letting out a dramatic sigh approximately every 20 seconds.
Bring him to the garage to point out the gigantic mess that he made in there.
Give him the number of a cleaning woman who you “think is desperate and single.” Then throw the entire contents of your wardrobe on the bedroom floor.
Though you’ve logged lots of hours with his family, you can’t remember the last time he spent any quality time with yours. You:
Don’t press it. No point to make him mad.
Say, “My sisters keep asking me why you don’t like them. Isn’t that weird?”
Tell him, “Darn, well I can’t attend that important party with your family after all.”
Start crying until he feels like crap.
The two of you see his very pretty coworker at a bar. He’d say he was friendly; you’d say flirty. At home, you:
Whisper “nothing” each of the 10 times he asks you what’s wrong.
Say, “So…you seemed pretty excited to see that one. Has she gained weight?”
Force him to dissect every word of their exchange (like, “Great to see you. Great to see you? What the hell does that mean?!”).
Throw his pillow on the sofa and slam your bedroom door shut.
You get a haircut, and when he sees it, he doesn’t say squat. You:
Stay mum but assume he hates it.
Casually mention that everyone at work just loved your brand-new ’do.
Vow not to compliment him the next time he makes an effort to dress up.
Grab some scissors and threaten to hack it all off. That’ll get his attention!
You both want to see a movie. He suggests catching an educational documentary; you just want to turn your brain off after a long week. You:
Sit on-edge through the documentary and come out completely stressed.
Say, “Fine. I mean, what’s more relaxing than a film about Darfur?”
Rattle off every movie he’s ever made you sit through. Then tell him he owes you those hours of your life back.
Stomp away to the bedroom and start blasting music so he can’t hear the TV.
While you’re spring cleaning (er, snooping), you find a shoebox full of his mementos. Love letters… pictures of exes…the works. You:
Put everything neatly back where you found it and quietly seethe.
Say, “Hon, maybe you should keep your secret love box somewhere safer than the closet. I’d just hate it if something were to accidentally happen to it.”
Say, “Remember when I wanted us to celebrate our first-month anniversary, and you said you weren’t a sentimental kind of guy? Now I have proof that you lied.”
Do your duty to the environment…toss it all in the recycling bin. Oops.
He went out with the guys Thursday night and gets home at the crack of dawn. You:
Wait up all night and then pretend to be asleep when he stumbles into bed.
Say, “What’s important is that you had a good time with the boys. No, seriously, I’m just fine with getting three hours of sleep.”
Go out the next night wearing your most scandalous dress. Tell him not to wait up.
Flip on the lights and curse him out until it’s time to get ready for work.