In the last few weeks, two horrifying suicides have made nationwide headlines: Marie Osmond’s son Michael Bryan jumped to his death in Los Angeles, and Growing Pains actor Andrew Koenig hanged himself in a park in Vancouver.
Sadly, though, their deaths were just two among an estimated 32,000 suicides annually, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control. Are all these deaths inevitable? Is there anything friends and family can do to prevent them?
Clinical Depression or Temporary Case of the Blues?
The experts say yes, though a person’s friends and family will likely face a long, hard battle to deal with suicidal tendencies and the depression that leads to them. Andrew Koenig’s sister, Danielle, told People magazine that her brother, forty-one, had suffered from depression most of his life. And Michael Bryan, eighteen, had been in rehab as a teenager for substance abuse. Nancy Rappaport, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, points out that depression can lead to substance abuse.
Though we hear the term depression a lot, many people still think of it as “the blues” or a temporary mood that will lift once the current crisis (a divorce, a job layoff) is dealt with. But clinical, or major, depression is far more serious and persistent.
Symptoms include a sustained loss of interest in everyday activities, sleeping and eating too little or too much, an inability to concentrate, increasing social isolation, and constant feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. Rappaport says, for example, depressed people can see a “pattern of unending defeat” in, say, the failure to get a promotion. People who aren’t depressed will view the same event as a temporary setback.
How You Can Help
As severe as these behaviors are, though, they aren’t always glaringly obvious. “It doesn’t have to be a big change” from a person’s regular behavior, says Leslie Seppinni, a doctor of clinical psychology and a family and marriage therapist who practices in Beverly Hills. “It can just be a darker mood.” The better you know a person, the likelier you are to sense these differences.
And when you do, experts say, it’s time to talk. But take it slowly. Be prepared to listen more than you speak. “Ask open-ended questions,” Seppinni says, or phrase your question as a sentence: “I can see you’re having difficulty sleeping.” (Ideally, Seppinni says, a person should also go to a physician to see if hormones or medicine might be causing the bad feelings.)
If a person seems at a relatively mild stage of depression, don’t say bluntly, “I think you’re depressed.” Seppinni says, “That can shut the person down completely.” You might also want to talk about your own experience (“When I’ve felt bad, some of the things that have worked for me are …”) and mention strategies like exercising or joining a support group. If your friend or relative doesn’t want to do anything like that, experts say, don’t push them. That will only alienate them, and may actually make them feel more of a failure.
Even worse is telling the person to “snap out of it.” Experts emphasize that depression is a medical condition with roots in genetics, physiology, and environment. “It’s not a character weakness,” Rappaport says. Most of the time, depression requires treatment via medication, therapy or both.
Being patient and supportive with a depressed friend or relative is still more crucial if the person’s condition has worsened to the point where she’s thinking about killing herself. As Rappaport points out, “Not everyone who’s depressed commits suicide.”
Health Top Tips Nutrition Love Lifestyle Happiness Weight LossRecognizing the Signs
But you should always be alert for signs that the person is thinking about it, or even preparing for it. Statements like “I’d be better off dead” or “nobody would miss me” need to be taken seriously, says Rappaport, author of In Her Wake, a book about her own mother’s suicide. Other signs to look for: Is your friend abruptly selling or giving away his things? Is she suddenly getting all her personal affairs in order?
Another symptom to look out for, Seppinni says: “Out of the blue, they may seem light, energetic, like everything is on the upswing. But they’ve made a decision [to commit suicide].”
Don’t be afraid to say at this point, “I’m worried about you.” And it’s okay to ask the person whether they have a plan to commit suicide. Rappaport says, “By asking them, you won’t prompt them to do it. You’re showing you really care.” Then call on other friends or family members to help; don’t bear the burden by yourself. Suggest that the person call her parents, or say you’ll make the call for her. Rappaport says, “A parent can’t mobilize unless they have the information.”
You can also offer to help the person find a doctor or therapist if he doesn’t have one; you may even want to go with him to his first appointment. (The National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-273-8255, can give you the name of a local mental health center.) Seppinni even suggests that you have the person write a note to you saying, “I will not harm myself. I will call you.” Putting it in writing, she says, reinforces the message. In the most extreme cases, of course, when a person seems likely to commit suicide in the next few moments, or you get a text saying she’s just taken an overdose of pills, call 911 immediately.
Realistically, we cannot cure a loved one of depression. “Nobody will get help until [he or she] is ready to get help,” says Rappaport. But by using our knowledge and compassion, we can help give the person we care for what she most needs: a feeling of connection and love, and a reason to live.