Be a More Sensual Couple

Richard Brzeczek had it all. As superintendent of the Chicago Police Department, he was powerful, affluent and prominent. He had four children by Liz, his wife of 16 years, and a model marriage -- at least Brzeczek thought so.

Then one day on a trip to New York, Brzeczek met "Diane," a flight attendant. "Immediately, there was an electricity between us," he says. Phone calls led to lunches, and before Brzeczek knew it, he was enmeshed in an extramarital affair. He realized it was wrong, but he couldn't seem to let Diane go.

The deeper he plunged into the affair, however, the more depressed he became. His marriage foundered. His professional judgment faltered. Eventually he lost his job.

Brzeczek was having what many movies and popular songs imply is the "best" sex -- the promiscuous kind. But he learned the hard way that romantic notions about promiscuity are nothing more than soap-opera fantasies. The fact is, promiscuity is a one-way ticket to despair.

According to some of the nation's leading sex experts, the best sex is married sex, as long as it contains the ingredient that many happy husbands and wives secretly share -- sensuality. "If you want to return the excitement to your marriage, both in and out of bed, develop a more sensual relationship," says San Francisco sex therapist Louanne Cole. "You'll enjoy your life together, including your love life, more than ever."

Sensuality means sharing delight in the five physical senses -- touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste. To the happiest couples, it also means incorporating a critical "sixth sense" -- playfulness.

"Married couples often tell me their relationships aren't as much fun as they were when they were dating," says Bernie Zilbergeld, an Oakland, Calif., psychologist. "I tell them: do the things you did when you were dating, and recapture that feeling of fun."

When they want some intimate time together, Karen Shook, 35, and her husband, Joey, 40, have a baby-sitter watch their children so they can spend a night at a hunting lodge. "It's in a beautiful wooded setting," Karen says. "We sip wine and smooch. By making time to be affectionate, we never lose that feeling of being two teenagers in love."

Playfulness can also break the ice in the challenging area of sexual communication. Some years ago, Barbara and Michael Jonas, then both 37, had a disagreement before he left on a business trip. Regretting the tiff, Barbara wanted to incorporate a sense of playfulness into their reunion. While Michael was away, she typed a series of questions on index cards. Some asked what each loved about the other. Others suggested engaging in playful massage -- for example, "Caress something your partner has two of."

The evening Michael returned, the living-room lights were low and a fire glowed in the hearth. Barbara handed him her game. They took turns drawing cards, answering the questions and doing whatever the cards said.

"Barbara's game was a very powerful experience for me," Michael recalls. "It helped me get in touch with all the positive things in our relationship, the things I had forgotten in the whirlwind of our daily lives." The game also put the Jonases in the mood for love.

It doesn't matter how you play together. Some people enjoy candlelight dinners, others go to ball games or take long walks. What's important is that you focus on each other and forget all distractions.

Once you've rediscovered your sense of playfulness, you're ready to explore ways the five physical senses can enhance your pleasure.

Touch. When therapists ask couples what kinds of physical affection they'd like from each other, surprisingly many of the requests are rated PG, not X. "People want to be hugged and kissed at breakfast and after work," says Stella Resnick, a Los Angeles clinical psychologist. "They want an arm around a shoulder, a neck massage, a back rub. It's all part of our deep need to feel physical closeness."

Some spouses believe any sensual touch should lead to intercourse. But it doesn't have to. Consider dancing cheek-to-cheek; it's sensual but nonsexual. "Often men resist touch that 'doesn't go anywhere,'" Zilbergeld says. "I suggest they try giving and receiving back rubs and foot massages."

My wife and I enjoy cuddling in front of the TV, especially while watching basketball games. After an enjoyable commercial break, my wife playfully quoted the show's slogan: "NBA action -- it's fantastic!" We had a good laugh, and now whenever an NBA promotional spot comes on, we share a knowing smile.

Touch also enhances sensuality by stimulating the release of endorphins, the body's mood-elevating chemicals. Caresses can reduce blood pressure and make people feel calmer and happier. "Spouses who enjoy frequent sensual touching feel better because medically they are better," says Dr. Theresa Crenshaw, a San Diego physician. "And the stress-reducing effects of sensual touch can set the stage for fulfilling lovemaking."

Sight. First, try simple eye contact. "You've heard the phrase 'drink to me only with thine eyes,'" says Shirley Zussman, a New York City sex and marital therapist. "Gazing into each other's eyes is very sensual."

So are firelight and candlelight. When Steve and Nancy Flader of Sutherland, Neb., want some sensual time together, they look for a secluded place. "Setting is important to me," Nancy says. "A cabin is lovely, with breathtaking views, but a fire in the fireplace is what makes our time there romantic."

Hearing. Music was the highest-rated aphrodisiac in a study by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. Three-quarters of the couples surveyed said it enhanced the mood for love.

Karen and Joey Shook were raised on rock 'n' roll. But several years ago, Karen became interested in classical music. Her husband was unimpressed -- until she began playing Ravel when they were making love. "Joey still likes rock," Karen explains, "but lately, whenever I put on 'Bolero,' he gets pretty excited."

Don't minimize the sensual potential of other sounds, like pounding surf, babbling brooks and even romantic whispers. Amy Levinson, 33, finds the sound of rain arousing because it reminds her of the years she and her husband, John Herdman, 41, lived on a sailboat. They shared a cabin under the deck, and when it rained, the sound filled their ears. "It was so intense," she explains. "Ever since, the sound of falling rain has been special to me."

And never underestimate the sensual power of an erotic message left on a phone machine. Sometimes when John knows he'll be home late, he leaves a message that communicates more than his expected arrival time. "When I get the message," Amy says, "I know John's been thinking about me. It's flattering and arousing."

Smell. Fragrant aromas can work romantic wonders. Zussman recommends perfumes, cut flowers and scented soaps and candles. She suggests that couples visit bath and body shops together and select the fragrances they both like.

Karen Shook has a special fondness for aromatic mulberry leaves and the fragrance they exude when heated. The Shooks often incorporate the aroma into their sensual interludes. Recently, while shopping at a mall, they strolled past a shop that sells scented candles. By chance, the scent wafting through the door was mulberry. "We gave each other a sly look," Karen recalls, "and we didn't stay at the mall very long."

Taste. "A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou" were all the 11th-century Persian poet Omar Khayyam needed to become amorous. Tickling the taste buds does more than satisfy the appetite for nourishment. It arouses other appetites as well, making what happens after dessert even more delicious.

Once you appreciate the limitless possibilities of monogamous sensuality, it's easy to see why promiscuity is ultimately unsatisfying. Sensuality builds long-term, intimate relationships; affairs do not. Marriage nurtures the trust and deep relaxation sex experts consider crucial to satisfying lovemaking. Even if your marriage has become boring, you can rediscover the sensuality within it. It's there. Nurture it.

Richard Brzeczek is living proof. After three years, he ended his disastrous affair. His marriage miraculously survived, and today he and Liz run a small Chicago law firm together. They founded a self-help organization, We Saved Our Marriage (WESOM), and they say their relationship is better than ever.

How do the Brzeczeks keep their marriage exciting? They embrace frequently. They hold hands. They cuddle while watching television. Sometimes, when Liz is working in the kitchen, Richard surprises her with a hug. And when Richard is tense, Liz massages his neck and shoulders.

"That playful, sensual attitude made our marriage feel new again," Richard says. "If sex is the fire in marriage, then sensuality is the spark that keeps it burning."