Is There Sex After Children?

If you're a parent, you know how it is: you have a baby, and suddenly certain things you once took for granted -- saving money, sleeping late -- disappear. And that includes what got you into the situation in the first place: sex.

"Because so many stresses interfere with a couple's life together once they have kids, sex is easily put on the back burner," says Dr. Kenneth J. Reamy, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the West Virginia University School of Medicine in Morgantown.

Where once you may have listened to romantic music in the evenings, your home now is filled with the sound of Barney. And sexy lingerie has given way to cotton nightshirts.

Jan and Ray Enger of Horsham, Pa., know this scenario all too well. They put off having sex for months after the birth of Eric. "I had a Caesarean delivery," explains Jan, "and I just didn't feel up to it for a while."

The first time they tried to make love after Eric's arrival, he started crying. "We looked at each other and said, 'Later,'" Jan recalls. "We were just getting up enough energy to get reacquainted when Eric started teething. He woke up every two hours for weeks. I was a zombie."

As the Engers discovered, the reasons that desire nose-dives after the birth of a baby vary. But the most immediate cause is physical. The exhaustion and stress brought on by more chores, aggravated by sleep deprivation, take a toll on both parents. Frequently neither mate can summon the energy for more than a peck on the cheek before bed, much less passion.

During the so-called fourth trimester (the three months following a baby's birth), fluctuations in a woman's hormone levels can deliver the chemical equivalent of a cold shower. This sexual stagnation can last six months after delivery, and even longer for women who breast-feed.

Pain from an episiotomy incision or from tissue torn during delivery can act as a wet blanket as well. Even after a woman has healed -- typically three weeks after a vaginal delivery and up to six weeks after a Caesarean -- decreased estrogen levels make the vaginal lining thinner, drier and more easily irritated.

New mothers can use lubricants and creams to alleviate pain and tenderness. Kegel's exercises, which tighten the pelvic-floor muscles, may help women regain muscle tone and increase sexual responsiveness.

Dealing with the psychological factors, however, can be more challenging. For instance, many women fear their mates won't find their post-partum bodies attractive. Even if stretch marks and a few extra pounds don't douse the fires of desire for some husbands, seeing their wives in their new maternal mode can.

"Maternal and erotic don't go together for a lot of men," says sex therapist Martha Gross, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the George Washington University Medical School in Washington, D.C. "They don't think of mothers as sexual beings."

Nursing mothers may subconsciously avoid intimacy with their mate because the frequent breast-feeding can exhaust their desire for physical contact by the end of the day. Such pauses in passion can leave a husband feeling displaced in his wife's affections.

Talk It Out
Time and patience heal some of these problems, but for others communication is key. "I feel guilty sometimes that we're not having sex as often as we were before," says Lisa Austin of Knoxville, Tenn., the mother of eight-month-old Hallie. "But Bryan is pretty understanding. We're very open with each other about the changes we're going through as new parents."

Through their frank discussions, Lisa has assured Bryan of how much she loves him, even though she is preoccupied with the baby. Bryan, in turn, has assured Lisa that he's as attracted to her as he was the day they met. As a result, she says, they've remained physically affectionate, and sex is still very much a part of their lives, even if it isn't as frequent as it once was.

Open and honest discussions can take a negative turn, however, especially if one mate feels frustrated about decreased sexual activity. "You can't have a good sex life when you have hostility, anger and unresolved issues between you," explains Beverly Whipple, associate professor in the College of Nursing at Rutgers University in Newark, N.J.

Whipple recommends using "I" phrases ("I feel angry when ...") instead of "you" phrases ("You make me feel angry..."), which often spark defensive sparring instead of sincere discourse. "Repeat what your partner said to be sure you really understand," she adds.

Increase Quality, Not Quantity
When partners, especially husbands, worry about the amount of sex after children are born, it might be time to do a reality check.

"We expect people will fall in love, be each other's best friends for life and have passionate sex every night," says Leslie Schover, staff psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation's Center for Sexual Function. "But this ideal for marriage is impossible. It's best to think more about quality than quantity," she continues.

And, of course, sharing love and expressing sexuality need not involve intercourse, says Whipple. She suggests that couples get away from being goal-oriented and become more pleasure-oriented. "Think of goal-oriented sexual interaction as a set of stairs, with each step leading to the next. If you don't reach the top step, you don't feel good about any other step," she says. "For pleasure-oriented interaction, think of a circle where each activity is an end in itself -- for instance, holding hands or being held."

Make a Date
Experts agree that going out with only your spouse is vital if you want your marriage and your sex life to thrive. "At least once a month, go to a lecture, a play, the movies -- whatever you used to do together that you dropped after you had children," suggests Connie Moore, associate professor of psychiatry at Houston's Baylor College of Medicine. Try not to talk about the kids or bills or house repairs. Talk about things that will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.

When couples put a little effort into stoking their romance, they find it stokes sexual desire as well. "Romance feeds desire," says Dr. Reamy, "and desire is immensely important to a good sex life."

Give Your Spouse a Break
Although it may sound contradictory, another way to improve your sex life is by spending some time by yourself. This is especially crucial for women, since they tend to put the family's needs before their own. Getting together with friends, starting a book club or just exercising can help women feel more sexual because such activities help fill their own needs.

A major bone of contention for women is how household chores are handled. "Most husbands give lip service to doing half the chores," Reamy says, "but they're not walking the walk." The physical and emotional toll of living under such inequity leads many wives to withdraw from their husbands. Fathers who do their share of the housework and child care find it pays off in more than stacks of clean laundry.

Teach Kids to Knock
Even when children reach school age, logistical problems still abound for parents. Most couples find making love difficult when they fear a child in the next room might awaken and come shuffling in, catching them in the act.

"Our family rule has always been to knock first," says Phil Benoit of Middlebury, Vermont, the father of two teenage girls. "If you establish a pattern of having the door shut at night from the beginning, then it's not unusual for them to see your door closed."

"Sex isn't only a source of physical pleasure," says Reamy. "It bonds and validates a relationship." The effort husbands and wives put into keeping their sex lives strong after children are born pays off. Many couples say the added closeness that comes from sharing the bond of parenthood makes their sex life better than ever.